Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part VI

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part six of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Zarabeth (Kathleen Wilhoite), a psychic: “I see danger ahead.” Brandon (Stephen Nichols), who’s driving her home: “For Linda?” Zarabeth: “For you. If you miss my house!” (Witchboard, 1986)

24.) Vida (Patrick Swayze): “I think tomorrow is a ‘Say Something’ hat day.” (To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, 1995)

23.) Diane (JoBeth Williams): “I told you that we never should have told them that the house vanished into thin air!” (Poltergeist II: The Other Side, 1986)

22.) Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon): “Hey, young man! You got knocked the fuck out!” (Next Friday, 2000)

21.) Beth (Aubrey Plaza), to her boyfriend, who’s aghast at her eating habits after she returns from the dead: “What do you want from me, Zach? I’m a fucking zombie! Zombies eat guys!” (Life After Beth)

20.) Claudia (Barbra Streisand), a call girl on trial for killing a client in self defense: “Don’t judge my blowjobs, they’re sane!” (Nuts, 1987)

19.) Pritchett (Chris Kattan), in a hurry to leave before the ghosts in his house come out: “Goddamn it, you gimme my goddamn check right now! Cause I want it! You give it!” (House on Haunted Hill ,1999)

18.) Roger (Campbell Scott), who works in advertising: “I gotta get home, look for work. As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding of how fat and unattractive they are.” (Roger Dodger, 2002)

Look, it’s a young Jesse Eisenberg!

17.) Inspector Kemp (Kenneth Mars): “A riot is an ugly thing. And I think that it’s just about time that we had one!” (Young Frankenstein, 1974)

16.) Vicki (Kim Basinger), having dinner with Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) at his comically large, rich-people dining table: “Do you like eating in here?” Bruce: “Oh, yeah…To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this room before.” (Batman, 1989)

15.) Dennis (Matthew Lillard): “Did I just say there was a petting zoo downstairs? NO! There are ghosts downstairs, Arthur!” (Thir13een Ghosts, 2001)

14.) Jessica (Rob Schneider), a teenage girl who has accidentally switched bodies with a man: “You think you’re so cool cause you can pee with your penis.” (The Hot Chick, 2002)

13.) Fauno (Doug Jones): “Why would a poor little faun like me lie to you?” (Pan’s Labyrinth, 2006)

12.) [Deloris (Whoopi Goldberg) is hiding from the mob in a nunnery and has asked Mother Superior (Maggie Smith) if she can use the phone] Mother Superior: “Whom would you call?” Deloris: “I don’t know. Satan?” (Sister Act, 1992)

11.) Heather (Antonia Bernath) to W.C., who has suggested calling the fire department to deal with the outbreak of the undead: “Great idea! Zombie firemen! Bigger zombies–with axes! Yay!” (Stalled, 2013)

You don’t see Heather until the very end, so here’s the trailer

10.) David (Eric Clawson), to Topaz, who has been trying to communicate with zombies to find out their motivation for being aggressive, and finds out they just really want to kill people: “See? I told you, that’s all they ever want!” (The Dead Hate the Living!, 2000)

Not many stills from this movie

9.) Barbara (Kathleen Turner), who wants to divorce her husband Oliver (Michael Douglas): “When I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just wanna smash your face in.” Oliver: “Come on. Smash my face. You wanna smash my face?” [Barbara punches him] (The War of the Roses, 1989)

8.) [Trish (Gina Philips) has just run over the monster pursuing them] Darry (Justin Long): “You think he’s dead?” Trish: “They never are.” [Reverses the car to run him over some more] (Jeepers Creepers, 2001)

7.) Socrates (Nick Nolte): “You have to get rid of all your addictions.” Dan (Scott Mechlowicz): “What addictions do I have?” “Talking! Especially interrupting.” (Peaceful Warrior, 2006)

6.) Dr. Travis (Peter Curtin): “Are you crazy?” Kyle (Chaney Kley): “Yeah. A little bit.” (Darkness Falls, 2003)

5.) Lieutenant Kinderman (George C. Scott), relaying a non-sequitur about how there’s a live fish in his bathtub and it disturbs him: “I can’t go home until the carp is asleep.” (The Exorcist III: Legion, 1990)

Seems like this would be the more unnerving experience

4.) Guy in car to his boyfriend, who, unbeknownst to him, has kicked out the window because he’s been decapitated: “Holy shit! You really are ticklish!” (Hellbent, 2004)

3.) Peter (James Le Gros), to the food critic who has destroyed his career with a mean critique of his restaurant: “Now my review. J.T. Franks is a worthless cunt who doesn’t deserve to live. The end!” (Bitter Feast, 2010)

2.) Garbled voice over the phone, à la The Ring: “Seven days.” Cindy (Anna Faris): “What? Willie Mays?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Who’s gay? Hello?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “What?” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Kind of.” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Yes. Perfect.” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Seven days. Oh, my God. I’m gonna die next Monday?” Voice: “Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.” Cindy: “So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?” Voice: “Forget hours. This day seven days from now.” Cindy: “But there’s a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?” Voice: “Well, that depends. What holiday?” Cindy: “Martin Luther King Day.” Voice: “Then no.” Cindy: “Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.” Voice: “Jesus Christ, lady. I’m giving you seven friggin days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you’d rather have that.” (Scary Movie 3, 2003)

1.) Dwayne (Paul Dano): “Fuck beauty contests! Life is one fucking beauty contest after another.” (Little Miss Sunshine, 2006)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part V

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part five of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Dracula (Gary Oldman): “They say you are a man of good…taste.” (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

24.) Playwright Joe Orton (Gary Oldman), ogling a guy: “He’s built like a brick shithouse!” (Prick Up Your Ears, 1987)

23.) Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek): “At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” (Frida, 2002)

22.) El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas): “Carolina, did I thank you?” Carolina (Salma Hayek): “No.” El Mariachi: “I will.” (Desperado, 1995)

Cool folks don’t look at explosions

21.) Renee (Darlanne Fluegel), an evil zombie who’s melting in a fire: “Your father and I are trying to work things out!” (Pet Sematary Two)

20.) Nora (Helen Reddy): “If there’s enough room in this town for a chowderhead like you, then there’s more than enough room for a dragon.” (Pete’s Dragon, 1977)

“I am woman, hear me roar!”

19.) Seth (Jeff Goldblum): [Cheerfully examining a growth on his stomach] “Oh, look at this. What’s this? I don’t know.” (The Fly, 1986)

18.) Anastasia (Meg Ryan): “Do you really think I’m royalty?” Dimitri (John Cusack): “You know I do.” Anastasia: “Then stop bossing me around.” (Anastasia, 1997)

17.) Armand (Robin Williams), to his son, who’s getting married to a senator’s daughter and wants to pretend his parents are heterosexual: “Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I’m a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I’m not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don’t give a damn what he thinks.” (The Birdcage, 1996)

16.) Jasmine (some white lady–I mean Linda Larkin): “I am not a prize to be won!” (Aladdin, 1992)

Sure this movie’s all kinds of problematic, but in the early ’90s it was pretty groundbreaking to have a Disney princess of color who wore pants

15.) Robert Thorn (Gregory Peck), after being warned that his son is the antichrist: “I never want to see you again.” Father Brennan (Patrick Troughton): “You’ll see me in hell, Mr. Thorn.” (The Omen, 1976)

14.) Brick (Steve Carell), atop a bear at the zoo: “Hey, Ron! I’m riding a furry tractor!” (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

13.) Darcy (Joan Allen), reading the note her husband, whom she has just found out is a serial kiler, left with her sleeping pills: “Ask yourself if you really need one of these tonight. Yeah, well, I think tonight I do!” (A Good Marriage, 2014)

12.) Title card: “Based on true events. While the names have been changed to respect the victims and their families, the musical numbers will be performed exactly as they occurred.” (Stage Fright, 2014)

11.) Mrs. Banks, a suffragist (Glynis Johns): “We’re all going to Downing Street to throw things at the Prime Minister.” (Mary Poppins, 1964)

10.) Doofer (Harland Williams), who’s dressing as a lady to infiltrate a party: “Look at this little handbag, man, this’ll go perfect with my shoesies.” (Sorority Boys, 2002)

9.) Adult Francie (Stephen Rea), narrating a scene of his childhood: “If anyone was looking for Francie the bad bastard they wouldn’t find him because he was busy getting the Francie not a bad bastard anymore diploma.” (The Butcher Boy, 1997)

Could not decide on an image or find a decent clip, so here’s the trailer

8.) Hyo-shin (Park Yejin), to her girlfriend: “I heard church bells when I first saw you.” (Yeogo goedam II AKA Whispering Corridors: Memento Mori)

7.) [Miss Price (Angela Lansbury) has turned the headmaster into a rabbit] “I warned you, Mr. Browne. Now where is the book?” (Bedknobs and Broomsticks, 1971)

6.) Ed (Nick Frost), on the phone with his friend’s mum: “We’re coming to get you, Barbara.” (Shaun of the Dead, 2004) [This is a play on the line “They’re coming to get you, Barbra” from Night of the Living Dead]

5.) The meaning of life: “Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in. And try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.” (Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, 1983)

4.) Flight attendant played by Molly Ringwald, star of many teen angst movies in the ’80s: “Fucking teenagers!” (Not Another Teen Movie)

3.) Wilbur (Henry Gibson), to Charlotte: “Does versatile mean full of eggs?” (Charlotte’s Web, 1973)

2.) Captain Lucas (Nestor Paiva): “It is impossible. But I, Lucas, will do it.” (Creature from the Black Lagoon, 1954)

That’s Lucas on the left

1.) [Kelly (Alexie Gilmore) and Jim (Bryce Johnson) are studying murals of Bigfoot] Kelly: “He seems clinically depressed, actually.” Jim: “Yeah. ‘Bigfoot sad. Bigfoot no want to work in garden.’ ” Kelly: “Why are they forcing him to do all this work?” Jim: “I don’t know, what the fuck is this. Like, they got him as a day laborer or something. ‘Bigfoot help you put up house for berries.’ ” Kelly: “I would avoid man, too, if I had to do all of this shit.” (Willow Creek, 2013)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part IV

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part four of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Ben (Muse Watson), seeking revenge on the four teens who hit him with their car while drunk driving and left him for dead: “You in some kind of trouble, child?” Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), not recognizing him: “Yes, yeah, I’m in a lot of trouble.” Ben: “That’s a shame, being that it’s the Fourth of July and all. Kids like you should be out having fun. Drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder…things like that.” (I Know What You Did Last Summer, 1997)

24.) Lance (Chris Rock), a bicycle messenger protesting that he could be visiting a resident and not making a delivery: “What’s wrong with me just coming here trying to have some cocoa?” (Down to Earth, 2001)

23.) Petie (Michael Shannon) to Honey, a movie star: “Tell me about Mel Gibson’s dick and balls!” (Cecil B. Demented, 2000)

22.) Boromir (Sean Bean): “What is this new devilry?” (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001)

Anybody know why this picture of Boromir is so popular?

21.) Lance Armstrong, to Peter (Vince Vaughn): “Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung, and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?” (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 2004)

I don’t care if he cheated! It’s still an awesome scene.

20.) Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan): “Everything all right?” Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull): “Yep. Two corpses. Everything’s fine.” (Clue, 1985)

19.) Brad (Barry Bostwick), to a group of Transylvanians who just finished a complicated dance number: “Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?” (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975)

18.) Dr. Giggles (Larry Drake), to a young lady he’s forcing a needed but unwanted organ transplant on: “You may be having second thoughts, but when you wake up you’ll have a change of heart.” (Dr. Giggles, 1992)

If you guessed that the pun for this scene was “He should have kept his hands to himself,” you would be correct. I also would have accepted “Could you lend me a hand?”

17.) Daryl (who’s secretly Satan) (Jack Nicholson): “Men are such cocksuckers, aren’t they?” (The Witches of Eastwick, 1987)

16.) Slim (David Hyde Pierce), who is a stick bug, is trying to get his friend’s attention: “I’m the only stick with eyeballs!” (A Bug’s Life, 1998)

Good golly, he’s terrifying! I forgot how low-tech old Pixar movies look now

15.) Hoffner (Klaus Kinski): “I see you like guns. What else do you like? [Fondles Bryce’s breast] You still haven’t told me what else you like.” Bryce (Diane Salinger): “Violence.” [Elbows him] (Creature, 1985)

Bryce ain’t takin no shit!

14.) [A crow caws] “Nevermore!” Mia (Desi Lydic): “That sounds familiar.” Nadine (Diora Baird): “You’re an idiot!” Mia: “Hey, that sounds familiar, too!” (Stan Helsing, 2009)


13.) [Captain Mandrake (Peter Sellers) wants Colonel Guano (Keenan Wynn) to shoot the lock off the soda machine for change to call the president] Guano: “Okay. I’m gonna get your money for you. But if you don’t get the president of the United States on the phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you?” Mandrake: “What?” Guano: “You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.” (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, 1964)

Ha, I bet you thought I was gonna go with “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.” One of the few AFI quotes I agree with.

12.) [Aliens are shooting lasers and causing massive explosions and fires] Martian: “Don’t run. We are your friends.” (Mars Attacks!, 1996)

11.) Miss Walton (Shirley Jane Harris), to the ghost of a serial killer menacing her students: “If you want a fight, dammit, you’re going to get one!” (The Stay Awake, 1988)

I didn’t know lemurs had such killer abs

10.) Erasmus (Vincent Price): “Answer me, monster, tell me truly! Shall I ever hold again the radiant maiden whom the angels call Lenore?” Dr. Bedlo (Peter Lorre) (a magician who’s been turned into a raven): “How the hell should I know?” (The Raven, 1963)

9.) David (Kiefer Sutherland), trying to turn Michael (Jason Patric) into a full-fledged vampire: “Join us, Michael. My blood is in your veins.” Michael: “So is mine!” (The Lost Boys, 1987)

Wonder why people say this movie has a gay subtext…Nah just kidding, there’s a thousand other reasons.

8.) Hayley (Elliot Page, in his former life as a teenage girl) to Jeff (Patrick Wilson), who picked her up on the internet knowing she was underage: ” ‘She was so sexy. She was asking for it. Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.’ It’s just so easy to blame a kid, isn’t it? Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she’s ready to do what a woman does.” (Hard Candy, 2005)

7.) [Wednesday (Christina Ricci) is walking down the hall with a knife] Morticia (Anjelica Huston): “Is that for your brother?” [Nods] “I don’t think so.” [Hands her a giant cleaver] (The Addams Family, 1991)

6.) Wednesday (Christina Ricci), speaking to a potential babysitter through a hand puppet: “Hello, Polly. I’ll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.” [Rubs the puppet’s hands together menacingly] (Addams Family Values, 1993)

5.) Father Mayii (Leslie Nielsen), to possessed Nancy (Linda Blair), after he projectile vomits on her à la The Exorcist: “So…how do you like it?” (Repossessed, 1990)

It is surprisingly difficult to find a clip or even an image from that scene

4.) Dracula (Leslie Nielsen), about the bats in his castle: “Children of the night. What a mess they make.” (This is a play on Bela Lugosi’s line in Dracula: “Children of the night. What music they make.”) (Dracula: Dead and Loving It, 1995)

3.) Other Father (John Hodgman), explaining to Coraline why the Other version of her friend Wybie had his mouth sewn shut: “He pulled a looooong face…and Mother didn’t like it.” (Coraline, 2009)

2.) Narrator, English language dub (Dudley Moore): “To keep up his spirits, he began singing a dog marching song. [Starts to sing, then falls into a hole] He then decided to skip the whole thing.” (Koneko monogatari AKA The Adventures of Milo and Otis, 1986)

1.) Frederick (Vincent Price), to his wife: “Don’t sit up all night, thinking about ways to get rid of me. It makes wrinkles.” (House on Haunted Hill, 1959)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

Ryan George: “Ghosts are Bad at Revenge”

If you’ve never seen a Ryan George YouTube video, you’re in for a treat. He’s a master of parody, especially that of dumb movie tropes. He really gets horror films and how silly they can be. In “Ghosts are Bad at Revenge”, we have a freshly dead guy in the Unfinished Business Bureau, being told that if he wants to get back at the fellow who murdered him, his options are limited.

Bryan Bertino’s ‘The Dark and the Wicked’: A Little Conventional, but a Good Solid Watch

Louise (Marin Ireland) and Michael (Michael Abbott Jr.) are siblings returning to the family farm to deal with the impending death of their father David (Michael Zagst). Their mother Virginia (Julie Oliver-Touchstone) is angered to see them, and tries to tell them to leave. A fraught situation only escalates with the manifestation of a sinister presence.

“Damn these landline phones!”

Bryan Bertino is a master of suspense, with the tension building right from the beginning; the family is estranged, but we don’t know why. We actually get very little information about Louise and Michael’s lives outside the immediate present, which adds to a sense of being trapped. Almost all of the action takes place on the farm, and the cast is very small. The house is dark, even in the daytime, and claustrophobic. The scenes that take place outside are hauntingly beautiful, but also dim and wintry.

The tone of the film is dark all around. There’s a completely hopeless stance on the subject of faith and the power of love. After Michael states that his father, a good man, doesn’t deserve his fate, David’s nurse (Lynn Andrews) muses that demons can “come for whoever they want.” Evil strikes wantonly, and it doesn’t matter if its victims (stealing a phrase from It here) believe, half believe, or don’t believe at all. In a heartbreaking scene, Michael says to Virginia, “It’s gonna be okay, Mama.” She replies bleakly, “What’s gonna be okay?” The ending is truly shocking and memorable.

The face of organized religion in the movie

Bertino established his skill with sound as early as The Strangers, and Wicked is no exception. Here he uses an ominous score rather than ironic folk songs, but still utilizes unsettling noises, including wolves howling, furniture creaking, chopping, wind blowing, thunder, shrieking, and “squelching” (gotta love closed captioning). Not to mention off-key hymn singing–when middle-aged ladies be sewing and warbling about Jesus, shit’s about to go down.

The performances are amazing, particularly from Ireland and genre regular Xander Berkeley as the priest. I love how Louise and Michael, tough Texans, are grizzled and matter-of-fact. They stick together and take care of the livestock even as they’re horrified by supernatural events. There’s no comic relief whatsoever in the movie, but there is a heartwarming segment when Michael attends to a newly born baby goat, hugging it and telling its mother she’s a good mama.

My gripes are few. Virginia keeping a diary describing her experiences in order to provide the audience with a view into her mindset is a bit uncreative and pretty unrealistic (who has time to keep a journal while singlehandedly running a farm and battling malevolent forces?), though I have to admit the entries are damn unnerving: “…so many mouths…” “Spiders on my face like tears.” There are also plenty of immediately recognizable done-to-death horror movie tropes present, like the old calling out “Hello? Is someone out there?” (not once but twice), chairs moving and lights turning on by themselves, and something horrible happening while showering and chopping vegetables (not at the same time). Plus I kept seeing shots that reminded me of other movies, like The Exorcist, The Sentinel, and The Strangers, respectively, though perhaps they are intentional nods:

At any rate, I was overall very impressed, and I loved it. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that really is dark and wicked.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part III

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part three of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling), explaining why everyone laughs at Patty O’Brien (Paul Dillon) for saying everyone is after the lucky charms he leaves on his murder victims: “It’s a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, ‘Hey leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your Lucky Charms! Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow, just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, ‘Oooh this is candy, I’m having fun!'” (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

24.) Siu-ho (Siu-ho Chin): “Many people say the film world is ridiculous. But life is even more ridiculous.” (Geung see, AKA Rigor Mortis)

Yeah, his life seems pretty intense

23.) Mike (Jordan Fry) to Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp), who has been complaining about his loathing for chewing gum: “If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?”

22.) [Filming a sequel to Good Will Hunting] Clark (Scott William Winters reprises his role): “You’re just no longer any good…Will Hunting. How do you like them apples?” Ben Affleck, as Chucky: “I don’t like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?” (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001)

21.) Farmer Vincent (Rory Calhoun), pondering his business of kidnapping people and turning them into sausage: “Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.” (Motel Hell, 1980)

Look at the far right in the first row, it’s John Ratzenberger!

20.) Professor Dorr (Tom Hanks): Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability!” (The Ladykillers , 2004)

19.) Elvira (Cassandra Peterson), poking through a decrepit castle: “Where’s the secret door? They always have one of those.” (Elvira’s Haunted Hills, 2001)

18.) Principal Duvall (Tim Meadows), punishing misbehaving high school students: “I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.” Joan the Secretary (Sharron Matthews): “We can’t keep them past four.” Principal Duvall: “I will keep you here until four.” (Mean Girls, 2004)

17.) Caprice (Selma Blair) explaining to her disappointed fans why she wants to get a breast reduction: “My back hurts. I’m getting sores. I wanna do housework without pain. I’d like to sleep on my stomach once in a while.” (A Dirty Shame, 2004)

16.) Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie): “I kick ass for the Lord!” (Dead Alive, 1992)

15.) Corky (Gina Gershon): “You know what the difference is between you and me, Violet?” Violet (Jennifer Tilly): “No.” Corky: “Me neither.” (Bound, 1996)

14.) Mr. Pattle (John Glover), delivering a soon-to-be-reanimated corpse to Ed (Steve Buscemi), who complains that she’s in his trunk: “Jeez, Ed, she’s dead. You think I wanna get her all over my seats?” (Ed and his Dead Mother, 1993)

13.) Cardinal Glick (George Carlin), discussing the church’s revamped version of Jesus: “Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies!” (Dogma, 1999)

12.) Helen (Goldie Hawn) [failing to notice she has a sizable hole in her midsection]: “Just look at me! I’m soaking wet!” (Death Becomes Her, 1992)

11.) Henry (Danny Glover): “I don’t think you’re an asshole, Royal. I just think you’re kind of a son of a bitch.” (The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001)

10.) Beatrix (Uma Thurman): “It’s mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 1, 2003)

9.) Bill (David Carradine), comparing Beatrix (Uma Thurman) to Superman to illustrate that she can’t change her powerful nature: “Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears–the glasses, the business suit–that’s the costume.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 2, 2004)

8.) Serial killer Dennis Rader (Kane Hodder) to a rude little girl: “Being nice is a lot easier than being mean.” (B.T.K., 2008)

7.) Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman), trying to turn grown-up Peter Pan’s children against him: “Your mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy you to sleep, so that she and Daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now!” (Hook, 1991)

6.) Anthony (Ludacris, ironically playing a guy who hates rap): “You think white people go around calling each other honkies all day, man? ‘Hey honkie, how’s business?’ ‘Going great, cracker, we’re diversifying.’ ” (Crash, 2004)

5.) Susan (Shelley Duvall), to her husband: “I guess we can’t punish Victor for bringing Sparky back from the dead.” (Frankenweenie, 1984)

4.) Donald Pleasence, hosting a documentary about horror movies: “A moonlight swim in the nude is definitely a bad idea.” (Terror in the Aisles, 1984)

3.) Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): “Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.” (Red Dragon, 2002)

2.) Marcilla (Ingrid Pitt), reading to Emma (Madeline Smith), whom she’s trying to seduce: “Pulling her gently towards him, he showered her sweet upturned face with manly kisses. [Stops reading] This is a silly book.” (The Vampire Lovers, 1970)

1.) John Hurt, reprising his role from Alien and reenacting the chestburster scene: “Oh, no. Not again.” (Spaceballs, 1987)

*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

‘Spiral: From the Book of Saw’ is Sorely Disappointing

Zeke Banks (Chris Rock) is a detective who plays by his own rules, which often gets him in trouble, especially after he busts a colleague for shooting a witness. Suddenly a spate of brutal murders leads him to suspect that there’s a Jigsaw copycat out there–and the killer is targeting his fellow officers.

I was really excited to see this movie. I love the Saw franchise, and I was thrilled to see that Darren Lynn Bousman, who did Saw II, III, and IV, returned to direct. I’ve been a fan of Chris Rock since he was on Saturday Night Live in the ’90s. That is about all the positive things I have to say, unfortunately. I was eager to give Rock a chance as a horror movie writer/producer (he came up with the story behind the film and had extensive input during the filmmaking). I had faith in his ability as a dramatic actor. While his angry outbursts and steely resolve (see above–dayum) are impressive, his reactions when he should be shocked or grieving are not so great; his range includes bemused, constipated, and trying to read the eye test at the DMV.

The movie plays out like a comedy, in many ways. Zeke’s dialogue has an awful lot of elements of Rock’s stand-up. He spends more time making observations than solving crimes, like this non-sequitur about Forrest Gump, which is our introduction to his character: “This motherfucker did some shit. He jogged across the whole country. He beat China in ping pong. You know how fucking hard that shit is? He was a war hero. Who the fuck is nicer than Forrest Gump?” (This actually goes on for a couple more minutes.) Then there’s Samuel L. Jackson as Zeke’s father Marcus, who pops up to scream “motherfucker” and then disappear for a while. And among the multiple law enforcement movie cliches utilized, there’s the cop-who-doesn’t-want-a-partner buddy film pairing of Zeke and newbie Schenk (Max Minghella). (But don’t worry, they drop it pretty much immediately.) And the flashback scenes that show Zeke and Marcus sporting ridiculous facial hair to establish it’s the past can’t help but invoke in my mind National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1:

In addition, the police are all as inept as they are corrupt. They repeatedly handle evidence without gloves and go off to remote places alone even after they know they’re being targeted by a serial killer.

“I dare you to poke the corpse!”

Rock has always been outspoken about racism, and you can in part read the film as a critique of police brutality and the demoralization that power can bring. One Black character’s trap involves being suspended by wires and Swatted. He is physically unable to lower his arm or drop a gun he’s forced to hold, and is shot in quick succession by the SWAT team, despite the fact that he’s suspended in the air. There’s also a scene when a cop point-blank shoots a guy for flipping him off. As the killer muses bitterly: “That’s what cops do: shoot first, ask questions later.” However, there’s also a part when Zeke, who’s flawed but unquestionably the hero of the movie, casually tortures a guy he needs information from. This fellow has a bone poking out of his leg, and Zeke pours alcohol on it and whacks him with the bottle. The man is not a sympathetic character, he’s a drug dealer who received the injury after shooting at them, but the scene is played for laughs, with Zeke joyfully yelling “That leg is fucked up! Yo, yo, yo, yo, let me get a shot for the Gram [continues taunting while taking a selfie] Can I tag you, motherfucker?” And then there’s the use of the n-word. Not by racist characters to make a point, but by Zeke and Marcus for no discernible reason. Zeke calls out a guy for hurriedly leaving the bathroom: “N*****, wash your hands!”

“I have had it with these motherfucking serial killers in this motherfucking warehouse! Motherfucker!”

The subtitle Book of Saw should indicate that the film isn’t directly connected to the other Saw movies. The killer is a copycat who didn’t personally know Jigsaw or his disciples. They wear a pig mask (but not a cool one) and use a wholly unappealing reedy voice (unlike Jigsaw’s noble baritone). Basically it’s a series of gory deaths based on lazy puns like pulling off a dude’s fingers for figuratively pointing fingers at people.

Bleh even the marionette is a pun!

Am I sorry I saw it? No. I very rarely say a movie has no redeeming value whatsoever. As much as I griped, it’s definitely more watchable than Jigsaw. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that’s terrifically bloody but also tries desperately to be funny.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part II

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part two of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Susan Sarandon, addressing the rumor that she was intoxicated while filming her lesbian love scene in The Hunger: “You wouldn’t have to get drunk to bed Catherine Deneuve, I don’t care what your sexual history to that point had been.” (The Celluloid Closet, 1995)

24.) Adam (Leigh Whannell): “I don’t give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a fifteen-hooker gang bang!” (Saw, 2004)

23.) Detective Mills (Brad Pitt): “What’s in the box? What’s in the fucking box?!” (Se7en, 1995)

22.) [Paul, trying to summon The Boss, repeatedly rings an annoying buzzer] The Boss: “OKAY, Paul!” (Eraserhead, 1977)

21.) Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton): “I’ve seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it!” (Beetlejuice, 1988)

20.) Steve (Craig T. Nelson): “You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones!” (Poltergeist, 1982)

19.) Yzma (Eartha Kitt), pondering how to get rid of her enemy: “Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box, and then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, I’ll smash it with a hammer! It’s brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I’ll just poison him with this!” (The Emperor’s New Groove, 2000)

18.) Chip (Jim Carrey): “Come back here, so that I may brain thee!” (The Cable Guy, 1996)

17.) Beverly (Jeremy Irons), explaining to Claire why he and his twin brother tricked her into dating both of them: “My brother and I always shared things.” Claire (Geneviève Bujold): “I’m not a thing.”

Sorry, there’s a dearth of interesting stills from this movie–it’s not actually a story of three people going to a fancy restaurant

16.) Donald (Nicolas Cage): “I just got shot! Isn’t that fucked up?” Charlie (also Nicolas Cage): “Shut up! Stop laughing!” (Adaptation., 2002)

Not a clip from the aforementioned scene, which was not to be found–this is my runner-up quote: [Charlie is trying to write but getting distracted and trying to ply himself with coffee and a muffin]: “Maybe banana nut. That’s a good muffin.”

15.) [Milton (Stephen Root) is given a piece of cake at an office birthday party and is about to take a bite] Nina (Kinna McInroe): “Now, Milton, don’t be greedy, let’s pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.” Milton: “Yeah, but last time I didn’t receive a piece. And I was told…” [Mumbles to himself as the cake is getting distributed to everyone else…] “The ratio of cake to people…” [Milton ends up with no cake again]

14.) Evan (Steve Carell) is being supernaturally sabotaged by his jealous coworker Bruce (Jim Carrey), who is making him speak gibberish while attempting to deliver the news: “I lika do da cha cha.” (Bruce Almighty, 2003)

13.) Bobby (Adam Sandler) “Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.” (The Waterboy, 1998)

Look on the left, it’s Lawrence Gilliard Jr.!

12.) [Craig (Ice Cube) has just won a fist fight] Dana (Regina King): “He think he a mack.” Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon): “Macaroni.” (Friday, 1995)

11.) “Have you checked the children?” (When a Stranger Calls, 1979)

This clip doesn’t actually contain that quote, but it’s a damn masterful bit of film

10.) Meridith (Amanda Wyss): “I believe my father loved me. I also believe that if you love something truly, you can’t help but destroy it.” (The Id, 2015)

Amanda Wyss is magic

9.) [A group of strangers at a bus station begin transforming to have the same face] Ulises (Gustavo Sánchez Parra): “Why are you talking about me in plural?” (Los Parecidos, AKA The Similars, 2015)

8.) Amilyn (Paul Reubens): “You ruined my new jacket. Kill him a lot!” (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1992)

7.) Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), thinking she is being pranked by her coworker: “Did Crumpet put you up to this?” (This one is a bit of a thinker if you’re not a David Sedaris fan; he wrote an essay called “The Santaland Diaries” about his experiences working, like Jovie does, as en elf in a department store, where his elf name was Crumpet. (Elf, 2003)

6.) [Mary, a mental hospital resident with dissociative identity disorder discussing with her therapist what parts of her body are represented by her different personalities] Doctor: “And where do you live, Simon?” Mary, as Simon: “I live in the weak and the wounded…Doc.” (Session 9, 2001)

5.) Shrek (Mike Myers): “Aw, come on, Donkey, look at him, in his wee little boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?” (Shrek 2, 2004)

4.) Beast (Kelsey Grammer), using his catchphrase from the comic books: “Oh my stars and garters.” (X-Men: The Last Stand, 2006)

3.) Billy (Adam Sandler) is playing in the bathtub and addresses the bird-shaped faucet: “Stop looking at me, swan!” (Billy Madison, 1995)

2.) Jack Pumpkinhead: “Would you please check my head for signs of spoiling?” (Return to Oz, 1985)

This is actually one of the less disconcerting images from this movie

1.) Randy (Jamie Kennedy), explaining horror movie tropes: “Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say ‘I’ll be right back.’ Because you won’t be back.” (Scream, 1996)

*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part I

You ever see the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part one of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) “Let us tear the paper tiger of male imperialism!” (Lysistrata, 1972)

24.) “You cheeky monkey!” (Spider, 2002)

If you’ve never seen post-body horror David Cronenberg, you could certainly do worse

23.) Jack (Jack Nicholson): “You’ve had your whole fucking life to think things over, what good’s a few minutes more gonna do you now?” (The Shining, 1980)

Jack, moments away from a baseball bat to the head due to his incessant mansplaining

22.) Ben (Duane Jones), to pushy white guy Harry: “Now get the hell down in the cellar. You can be the boss down there, but I’m boss up here.” (Night of the Living Dead, 1968)

You tell him, Ben!

21.) [Allison (Arielle Kebbel) is freaking out because her friends have disappeared after going in the cursed Saeki house, and her school principal is attempting to reassure her] “Allison, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Vanessa and Miyuki aren’t missing. They’re right here.” [Miyuki and Vanessa suddenly appear as ghosts next to her] (The Grudge 2, 2006)

Sure wish I could find a clip of this on YouTube–the picture doesn’t do it justice; Allison looks only mildly disconcerted here, probably because they’re all wearing the same outfit

20.) [Dr. Blake (Mary Steenburgen) is testifying in court that her mother, despite having an intellectual disability and needing support from her own parents, was responsible for Blake’s best traits] “Please let the record show my mother raised me.” (I Am Sam, 2001)

19.) Hecuba (Katharine Hepburn), trying to psych herself into rising: “Up. Up, body.” (The Trojan Women, 1971)

18.) Antigone (Irene Papas): “I can face death. But I cannot leave my brother unburied.” (Antigone, 1961)

Can you tell I once took a college course on gender in classical Greece?

17.) [While filming Plan Nine from Outer Space, actor Tor Johnson bumps into the set while trying to get through a door, and the cameraman asks Ed, the director (Johnny Depp), if he wants to do another take] Ed: “No, it’s fine. It’s real. You know, in actuality, Lobo would have to struggle with this problem every day.” (Ed Wood, 1994)

16.) [Possessed lawman Entragian (Ron Perlman) is sorting through the IDs of a group of people he’s arrested] “You’re Peter. And you’re Mary. So where’s Paul? I mean, how can you sing ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ without Paul? Wait a minute…Peter Jackson? I love Lord of the Rings!” (Desperation, 2006)

15.) Ralph (John Kassir) is having a drug-induced hallucination (or is he?): “Bad zombies! Shoo!” (Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical, 2005)

14.) [Cornelia (Agnes Moorehead) is alerting the police to an intruder in her home, and is told to wait for help] “I have a gun, and I know how to use it!” (The Bat, 1959)

She’s terrifically sassy, for the ’50s

13.) Desk clerk: “That her?” Luger (Samuel L. Jackson): “No, that’s a picture.” (National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1)

If you’ve never seen this, it’s amusing as well as undeniably cringy (1993 was different times), but Samuel L. Jackson is amazing–also watch for a brief appearance by Lin Shaye

12.) Regarding the cloying nature of kid show host Smoochy the rhino (Edward Norton): “He’s a bottle of pancake syrup with legs!” (Death to Smoochy, 2002)

Robin Williams on the left–great performances from both of them

11.) “No one can take your kidney but me.” (Gau min, AKA Koma, 2004)

10.) “The human mouth is called a piehole.” (Over the Hedge, 2006)

9.) Daffy the Gremlin, in homage to Marathon Man: “Is it safe?” (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, 1990)

The dentist gremlin
The torture scene from Marathon Man

8.) [A group of suffragists have been arrested for picketing and given a choice of paying a fine or going to jail, and they choose jail] Lucy Burns: “To pay the fine would be admitting guilt. We haven’t broken a law. Not one dollar.” (Iron Jawed Angels, 2004)

Frances O’Connor as Lucy Burns in the foreground, and hey there’s Vera Farmiga just behind her! The Conjuring 2 was a reunion!

7.) “Go find your head!” (Hakkyousuru kuchibiru, AKA Crazy Lips, 2000)

Actual tagline: “People who watch this movie go crazy in a week.”

6.) Kit (Eddie Murphy): “White boys always get the Oscar. It’s a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn’t played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That’s how you get the nomination.” (Bowfinger, 1999)

#OscarsSoWhite

5.) “Words create lies. Pain can be trusted.” (Ôdishon, AKA Audition, 1999)

Eihi Shiina as Asami, who has definite trust issues

4.) “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (The Princess Bride, 1987)

3.) Norther (Steve Buscemi), reciting a poem he’s been working on for twelve years: “The grass so green/Skies so blue/Spectre is really great!” (Big Fish, 2003)

The smug face of a master poet

2.) [Mike, trying to convince Sully to get their forbidden human acquaintance home without alerting their coworkers] “Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me…Oh, hey. We’re rehearsing a scene for the upcoming company play called, uh, Put That Thing Back Where it Came from or So Help Me. It’s a musical.” (Monsters, Inc., 2001)

1.) [Actress Jennifer Tilly (playing herself) is being held captive by Chucky and his wife Tiffany, also voiced by Tilly] Jennifer’s friend Joan, over the phone: “I heard you scream. I can still hear you screaming!” Tiffany: “Oh, Bound is on cable. Gina Gershon is fingering me.” (Seed of Chucky, 2004)

It’s not the best film of the franchise, but this whole bit is gold

*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

A Side Trip into Neuroticism: ‘Glass’ and Human Potential

*Warning: SPOILERS for Glass!*

If you’ve ever read any of my Side Trip pieces, it would be immediately obvious, dear reader, that I suffer from low self esteem. Lately I’ve been taking steps to better myself in ways that I feel are necessary, with the help of a habit-tracking app. For the last eleven weeks, no excuses, on a daily basis I’ve been cleaning, meditating, walking at least 10,000 steps, eating healthier, doing yoga and strength training, and writing (at least one sentence a day). In short, all of the stuff that I nag myself about doing but previously hadn’t been doing consistently. I’ve gradually come to a place where I’m starting to feel less gross, but there are still times when I can’t stand myself. I’m a bit late to the Glass party, I know, but I saw it for the first time recently and it really resonated with me in multiple unexpected ways.

Just gonna leave this here.

In the movie, the villains are so much more interesting than the heroes. David, the main protagonist, is a good dude but kind of one-dimensional. I found myself empathizing more with the antagonists. For example, The Horde and their philosophy that feeling pain is necessary for growth and evolution. Their main tenet is that suffering leads to “purity.” They put forth the notion that “The broken are the strongest.” I feel broken pretty frequently; I have depression and anxiety and often wish I could just function like a normal person. Ya know, enjoy interacting with people and not have crying spells so forceful and sustained that I make myself sick and not beat myself up every time I make a mistake. Glass made me realize it’s painful to be self-loathing and that I’ve overcome a lot of difficult stuff. If this all sounds ineffectual and wishy-washy to you, I don’t disagree, but the inner voices I normally hear while writing, those of my friends Tabbitha, Paula, and Hannah encouraging me to add transitions or more detail to fully explain something, are drowned out by an imaginary snarky critic sneering, “Oh, like your life is soooooo hard!”

Like this, but sneerier

Moving on, Mr. Glass is another character that doesn’t let adversity bring him down. He’s all about turning perceived weaknesses into strengths. Hedwig, a part of The Horde, is coming to terms with the fact that he’s permanently nine years old after meeting Dr. Staples, who points out to him that “That must be so hard.” Up to that point, he was the most confident personality and really really really really liked himself; now for the first time he feels shame. When Glass brings up his age, Hedwig looks crestfallen. But then Glass says, “That’s incredible. You can see the world the way it really is. Always.” Hedwig clearly feels better. In the next scene, he says, “I feel like dancing.” Glass responds, “Then go ahead and dance.” He even claps for him.

Glass is just a cool dude. His bones are incredibly fragile, giving him limited physical abilities, but he’s super duper smart and goddamn if he isn’t the most likable character in the movie. His mama, Mrs. Price, loves him unconditionally and regularly comes to visit him in the hospital where he’s confined. She’s always proud of him, even though he’s a Lex Luthor-ian supervillain who maims and kills a mess of people. “They always underestimate the mastermind,” she declares, satisfied at how he fools the entire hospital staff into thinking he’s helpless so he can escape. It hit me right in the feels towards the end when he tells her, “I wasn’t a mistake, Mama.” “No,” she replies. “You were spectacular.”

There aren’t a lot of stills of Mrs. Price, but here’s one from that scene

One of the prominent themes of Glass is that we are more powerful than we think, if we allow ourselves to try. As stated by Mr. Glass: “There are unknown forces that don’t want us to realize what we are truly capable of. They don’t want us to know the things we suspect are extraordinary about ourselves are real. I believe that if everyone sees what just a few people become when they wholly embrace their gifts, others will awaken. Belief in oneself is contagious. We give each other permission to be superheroes. We will never awaken otherwise.” I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a gift for writing, but I love it and have spent a shit-ton of time honing my technique (hint: it involves swears). I hope you like this bit of fluff, but if you didn’t I can content myself with the knowledge that at least my sister Leslie, my own Mrs. Price, is reading and cheering me on.

Awaken, and be fabulous! Party like it’s 1999!

Bonus pic of Patricia, my favorite Horde personality.

[To a row of tied-up cheerleaders] “Look at you all. My name is Patricia. Now, who would like a P.B. and J. sandwich? You do.”–actual quote