‘Monster Dog’: So Bad It’s Good! Just Kidding, It’s Hilariously Bad (review)

Alice Cooper is Vince, a rock star (yeah he’s really stretching as an actor here), heading back to his hometown with a film crew: his girlfriend Sandra (Victoria Vera), camera guys Jordan (Emilio Linder) and Frank (Carlos Santurio), makeup artist Angela (Pepita James), and actress Marilou (Pepa Sarsa) to shoot his new music video. The locals are less than happy to see him (there have been a series of gory murders, and Vince’s father was apparently a werewolf). Before long, a small group of assassins show up to take care of Vince the way they did his daddy. On top of that, there are some angry dogs, and (as the title suggests) a monster dog. Jinkies, can the gang survive to make another corny music video?

I haven’t laughed so hard at a movie since The Invention of Lying. The special effects are terrible (like a victim that clearly has a head made of papier-mâché)mons2, and the acting is horrible (even Alice seems to have lost his ability to act—though he does a good steely-eyed glare). The characters besides Vince and Sandra have no personality outside of serving Vince and agreeing with each other. When the dialogue isn’t stilted and unnatural (“We’re in danger here”; “We mustn’t leave her alone”), it’s corny and clichéd, like the dialogue spoken by the leader of the kill-Vince brigade, who closely resembles a villain from a bad Western: “This here bullet is the one that’s gonna pierce Vince Roberts’s heart.” I kid you not, he actually says, “real friendly-like.” Then there’s the scene with a pack of snarling German Shepherds with one happy Schnauzer—sure it’s a standard and not a toy Schnauzer, but it’s just not threatening. Plot holes abound, for example why does “the hottest rock and roll star in the world” have to drive his own (tiny) film crew around, and why is his girlfriend a technician and not a supermodel? (Not that I have a problem with technicians—it’s just that that’s not the way musicians mate.)

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Cooper looking for clues regarding the mystery of his inclusion in this dumpster fire

I first watched this movie with my sister Leslie, specifically because we’re both big Alice Cooper fans. I recently watched it with my brother Jeremy, also a fan. My humble opinion is that since the songs are the only bright spot of the movie, Monster Dog should only be watched by Cooper fans (although the film was made in Spain, then dubbed in English, and he didn’t even do his own dubbing for his speaking voice [thank you, IMDB]), so basically it’s only worth watching to see his cute little circa-1984 ass in leather pants:

 

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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