‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die! (review)

It’s the 1980s, and a group of naughty teenagers are going to have a séance in ol’ Murder McGee’s house. There’s Final Girl Julie (Ashley Schneider), her boyfriend Kane the Token Black Guy (Jovan Meredith), gay couple Jamie (Christina DeRosa) and Sissy (Jamie Carson), Tough Guy Alfie (Devin Marble), Popular Girl Tiffany (Lindsay Gareth), Nerdy Guy Ryan (Will Deutsch), Weird Girl Madeline (Renee Dorian), and Geek 1 (Corey Assink) and Geek 2 (Jonathan Brett). The funlovin’ teens raise the spirit of McGee, as well as his entire murdered family, who get possession-happy. Their only defense is the Geeks’ homemade amulets. Can they stop being stupid and get out alive?

stupid1
He’s one of the better actors

Judging by the title, it sounds like a funny spoof. Wrong on both counts. While it uses some horror movie conventions (as the tagline states, “Excessive violence, gratuitous nudity, zero budget”) like the doomed teenagers, the haunted house, the victims being picked off one by one, and the archetypal characters, in many aspects I feel the filmmakers just get it wrong. The Token Black Guy does not date the Final Girl—he’s either single or has a similarly doomed Black girlfriend. Not that I have a problem with Kane and Julie, nor do I condone the tradition, but thems the rules for the ‘80s slasher movies they’re making fun of. There are also no gay characters; their inclusion puzzles me. Again, I have no problem with them, but they don’t belong there. Furthermore, they’re heavily exploited by having no motivation besides grabbing on each other and moaning.

stu1

In addition, aside from some of the costumes and music, the lack of cell phones, and a passing reference to the Atari, the movie doesn’t seem like the 1980s. Which would be forgivable if it were funny, but it’s just not. It might have been okay if it weren’t trying to be a parody—it could have just been another forgettable low-budget crapfest. Instead it’s a badly written, really badly acted (the actors flub their lines regularly), wannabe spoof that feels like it was so bad the filmmakers tried to save face by throwing in the parody factor at the last minute.

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Hardcore horror fans, stay away because you’ll be offended by the ineptitude. Fledgling horror fans, beware as well; horror movies aren’t all like this. It’s not campy, or so bad that it’s funny. It’s just bad. Check it out if you’re in the mood to be frustrated.

stu3
Aw, I’m so mean–they look like they’re having a good time

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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