‘Wishcraft’: Pizzle, I Say, Pizzle! (review)

Brett (Michael Weston) is a nerdy high schooler with a crush on Sam (Alexandra Holden), a popular girl with a jock boyfriend. His life changes seemingly for the better when an unknown benefactor gives him a wishing totem (a “bull pizzle”). He wishes that Sam would be his girlfriend, which she does. But he wonders if she likes him for him or for his pizzle. Meanwhile, a serial killer is on the loose, and it’s up to Brett and his pizzle to stop it.

That she ends up here is a surprise to no one

I first watched Wishcraft because I was curious to see a movie with Meatloaf and Zelda Rubinstein (a seriously underused actor)—I also kinda like Michael Weston. But as movies like The Secret Life of Pets 2 prove, a good cast does not necessarily good watchin’ make. This movie puts me in the mood to gripe, in a much more raw and emotional way than I prefer. I can’t remember how I reacted the first time I watched Wishcraft, but this time I couldn’t wait for it to be over. It’s cheesy without even trying to be scary. It would have worked better as a murder-free comedy. Then I would have avoided it entirely. Bumpers is a last name that belongs in a comedy. So do heroines who say things like, “Why do we have to study World War II?” I’m so tired of movies when the protagonist has no motivation to pursue the heroine besides her appearance.

Yep, here comes the implied sex scene

Sam is dumb as a post, but Brett insists, “She’s just going through a superficial stage. It’ll pass.” It bugs me that for some reason the actors’ faces look powdery. I have a hard time buying Weston as a nerd—he’s Hollywood pretty—maybe with a pair of glasses or a bad haircut. I hate Brett’s best friend Howie (A.J. Buckley)—he’s aggravating beyond the typical sidekick. Someone also thought it was a good idea that there be a death by bowling ball. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something corny and awful.

Awesome, but not worth the pain

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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