Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part two of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
25.) Susan Sarandon, addressing the rumor that she was intoxicated while filming her lesbian love scene in The Hunger: “You wouldn’t have to get drunk to bed Catherine Deneuve, I don’t care what your sexual history to that point had been.” (The Celluloid Closet, 1995)
24.) Adam (Leigh Whannell): “I don’t give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a fifteen-hooker gang bang!” (Saw, 2004)
23.) Detective Mills (Brad Pitt): “What’s in the box? What’s in the fucking box?!” (Se7en, 1995)
22.) [Paul, trying to summon The Boss, repeatedly rings an annoying buzzer] The Boss: “OKAY, Paul!” (Eraserhead, 1977)
21.) Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton): “I’ve seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it!” (Beetlejuice, 1988)
20.) Steve (Craig T. Nelson): “You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones!” (Poltergeist, 1982)
19.) Yzma (Eartha Kitt), pondering how to get rid of her enemy: “Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box, and then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, I’ll smash it with a hammer! It’s brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I’ll just poison him with this!” (The Emperor’s New Groove, 2000)
18.) Chip (Jim Carrey): “Come back here, so that I may brain thee!” (The Cable Guy, 1996)
17.) Beverly (Jeremy Irons), explaining to Claire why he and his twin brother tricked her into dating both of them: “My brother and I always shared things.” Claire (Geneviève Bujold): “I’m not a thing.”
16.) Donald (Nicolas Cage): “I just got shot! Isn’t that fucked up?” Charlie (also Nicolas Cage): “Shut up! Stop laughing!” (Adaptation., 2002)
15.) [Milton (Stephen Root) is given a piece of cake at an office birthday party and is about to take a bite] Nina (Kinna McInroe): “Now, Milton, don’t be greedy, let’s pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.” Milton: “Yeah, but last time I didn’t receive a piece. And I was told…” [Mumbles to himself as the cake is getting distributed to everyone else…] “The ratio of cake to people…” [Milton ends up with no cake again]
14.) Evan (Steve Carell) is being supernaturally sabotaged by his jealous coworker Bruce (Jim Carrey), who is making him speak gibberish while attempting to deliver the news: “I lika do da cha cha.” (Bruce Almighty, 2003)
13.) Bobby (Adam Sandler) “Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.” (The Waterboy, 1998)
12.) [Craig (Ice Cube) has just won a fist fight] Dana (Regina King): “He think he a mack.” Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon): “Macaroni.” (Friday, 1995)
11.) “Have you checked the children?” (When a Stranger Calls, 1979)
10.) Meridith (Amanda Wyss): “I believe my father loved me. I also believe that if you love something truly, you can’t help but destroy it.” (The Id, 2015)
9.) [A group of strangers at a bus station begin transforming to have the same face] Ulises (Gustavo Sánchez Parra): “Why are you talking about me in plural?” (Los Parecidos, AKA The Similars, 2015)
8.) Amilyn (Paul Reubens): “You ruined my new jacket. Kill him a lot!” (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1992)
7.) Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), thinking she is being pranked by her coworker: “Did Crumpet put you up to this?” (This one is a bit of a thinker if you’re not a David Sedaris fan; he wrote an essay called “The Santaland Diaries” about his experiences working, like Jovie does, as en elf in a department store, where his elf name was Crumpet. (Elf, 2003)
6.) [Mary, a mental hospital resident with dissociative identity disorder discussing with her therapist what parts of her body are represented by her different personalities] Doctor: “And where do you live, Simon?” Mary, as Simon: “I live in the weak and the wounded…Doc.” (Session 9, 2001)
5.) Shrek (Mike Myers): “Aw, come on, Donkey, look at him, in his wee little boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?” (Shrek 2, 2004)
4.) Beast (Kelsey Grammer), using his catchphrase from the comic books: “Oh my stars and garters.” (X-Men: The Last Stand, 2006)
3.) Billy (Adam Sandler) is playing in the bathtub and addresses the bird-shaped faucet: “Stop looking at me, swan!” (Billy Madison, 1995)
2.) Jack Pumpkinhead: “Would you please check my head for signs of spoiling?” (Return to Oz, 1985)
1.) Randy (Jamie Kennedy), explaining horror movie tropes: “Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say ‘I’ll be right back.’ Because you won’t be back.” (Scream, 1996)
*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.
GhoulieJoe 