Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part III

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part three of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling), explaining why everyone laughs at Patty O’Brien (Paul Dillon) for saying everyone is after the lucky charms he leaves on his murder victims: “It’s a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, ‘Hey leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your Lucky Charms! Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow, just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, ‘Oooh this is candy, I’m having fun!'” (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

24.) Siu-ho (Siu-ho Chin): “Many people say the film world is ridiculous. But life is even more ridiculous.” (Geung see, AKA Rigor Mortis)

Yeah, his life seems pretty intense

23.) Mike (Jordan Fry) to Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp), who has been complaining about his loathing for chewing gum: “If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?”

22.) [Filming a sequel to Good Will Hunting] Clark (Scott William Winters reprises his role): “You’re just no longer any good…Will Hunting. How do you like them apples?” Ben Affleck, as Chucky: “I don’t like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?” (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001)

21.) Farmer Vincent (Rory Calhoun), pondering his business of kidnapping people and turning them into sausage: “Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.” (Motel Hell, 1980)

Look at the far right in the first row, it’s John Ratzenberger!

20.) Professor Dorr (Tom Hanks): Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability!” (The Ladykillers , 2004)

19.) Elvira (Cassandra Peterson), poking through a decrepit castle: “Where’s the secret door? They always have one of those.” (Elvira’s Haunted Hills, 2001)

18.) Principal Duvall (Tim Meadows), punishing misbehaving high school students: “I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.” Joan the Secretary (Sharron Matthews): “We can’t keep them past four.” Principal Duvall: “I will keep you here until four.” (Mean Girls, 2004)

17.) Caprice (Selma Blair) explaining to her disappointed fans why she wants to get a breast reduction: “My back hurts. I’m getting sores. I wanna do housework without pain. I’d like to sleep on my stomach once in a while.” (A Dirty Shame, 2004)

16.) Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie): “I kick ass for the Lord!” (Dead Alive, 1992)

15.) Corky (Gina Gershon): “You know what the difference is between you and me, Violet?” Violet (Jennifer Tilly): “No.” Corky: “Me neither.” (Bound, 1996)

14.) Mr. Pattle (John Glover), delivering a soon-to-be-reanimated corpse to Ed (Steve Buscemi), who complains that she’s in his trunk: “Jeez, Ed, she’s dead. You think I wanna get her all over my seats?” (Ed and his Dead Mother, 1993)

13.) Cardinal Glick (George Carlin), discussing the church’s revamped version of Jesus: “Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies!” (Dogma, 1999)

12.) Helen (Goldie Hawn) [failing to notice she has a sizable hole in her midsection]: “Just look at me! I’m soaking wet!” (Death Becomes Her, 1992)

11.) Henry (Danny Glover): “I don’t think you’re an asshole, Royal. I just think you’re kind of a son of a bitch.” (The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001)

10.) Beatrix (Uma Thurman): “It’s mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 1, 2003)

9.) Bill (David Carradine), comparing Beatrix (Uma Thurman) to Superman to illustrate that she can’t change her powerful nature: “Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears–the glasses, the business suit–that’s the costume.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 2, 2004)

8.) Serial killer Dennis Rader (Kane Hodder) to a rude little girl: “Being nice is a lot easier than being mean.” (B.T.K., 2008)

7.) Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman), trying to turn grown-up Peter Pan’s children against him: “Your mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy you to sleep, so that she and Daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now!” (Hook, 1991)

6.) Anthony (Ludacris, ironically playing a guy who hates rap): “You think white people go around calling each other honkies all day, man? ‘Hey honkie, how’s business?’ ‘Going great, cracker, we’re diversifying.’ ” (Crash, 2004)

5.) Susan (Shelley Duvall), to her husband: “I guess we can’t punish Victor for bringing Sparky back from the dead.” (Frankenweenie, 1984)

4.) Donald Pleasence, hosting a documentary about horror movies: “A moonlight swim in the nude is definitely a bad idea.” (Terror in the Aisles, 1984)

3.) Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): “Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.” (Red Dragon, 2002)

2.) Marcilla (Ingrid Pitt), reading to Emma (Madeline Smith), whom she’s trying to seduce: “Pulling her gently towards him, he showered her sweet upturned face with manly kisses. [Stops reading] This is a silly book.” (The Vampire Lovers, 1970)

1.) John Hurt, reprising his role from Alien and reenacting the chestburster scene: “Oh, no. Not again.” (Spaceballs, 1987)

*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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