Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part XII

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part twelve of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Max (Anton Yelchin), trying to politely dissuade his undead girlfriend from boning him: “Oh, please, Evelyn, you just rose from the dead, you deserve more than a quickie.” (Burying the Ex, 2014)

24.) [Freddie (Christian Cooke) is trying to sell Brian (David Earl) insurance] Brian: “Any spare cash I have I spend on porn.” Freddie: “Insurance, you need insurance.” Brian: “Nah. Porn.” Freddie: “You need insurance, Brian.” Brian: “I need porn.” Freddie: “Insurance!” Brian: “Porn!” (Cemetery Junction, 2010)

23.) Amanda (Olivia Cooke): “You can only get so far thinking how everyone else thinks.” (Thoroughbreds, 2017)

22.) [Demonstrating Dick Cheney’s pervasive powers of persuason] Cheney (Christian Bale): “What if on a unilateral basis we all put miniature wigs on our penises and we walked out to the White House lawn and jerked each other off, so, like a puppet show, but much more enjoyable.” Donald Rumsfeld (Steve Carell): [Approvingly] “Hmm.” Henry Kissinger (Kirk Bovill): “I do like a good puppet show.” President Gerald Ford (Bill Camp): “I say we do it!” (Vice, 2018)

21.) Gwen (Sigourney Weaver), an actor from a Star Trek-style TV show, forced by aliens to reenact a dangerous scene on a replica starship: “Whoever wrote this episode should die!” (Galaxy Quest, 1999)

20.) Natalie (Rebel Wilson), about romantic comedies: “All those movies are lies set to terrible pop songs.” (Isn’t it Romantic, 2019)

Now that’s romantic

19.) El Guapo (Alfonso Arau), regarding the sudden prevalence of white dudes: “What is happening around here today? Are gringos falling from the sky?” [Another guy falls from overhead] Jefe (Tony Plana): “Yes, El Guapo.” (Three Amigos!, 1986)

18.) Julie (Frances McDormand), in response to being threatened: “If you’re not going to kill me, I have things to do.” (Darkman, 1990)

17.) [Queen Elizabeth (Cate Blanchett) has found out her secret boyfriend Lord Robert (Joseph Fiennes) is seeing someone else] Robert: “For God’s sake, you are still my Elizabeth.” Elizabeth: “I am not your Elizabeth! I am no man’s Elizabeth!” (Elizabeth, 1998)

16.) Lt. Tucker (Amy Sedaris): “You didn’t fill out your retirement papers.” Detective Handsome (Jeff Garlin): “You pulled me out here for that?” Tucker: “I thought you should know.” Handsome: “Of course I know. I’m the one who didn’t fill em out.” Tucker: “Don’t try to complicate things with your sweet talk.” Handsome: “Sweet talk?” Tucker: “You poor, innocent kid. You just don’t get it, do you?” Handsome: “No.” Tucker: “What were we talking about?” Handsome: “I have no idea.” Tucker: “Believe me, I’ll remember. And when I do, you’ll know, missy.” (Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie, 2017)

15.) Ben (Viggo Mortensen), lecturing his fantastically educated daughters not to speak a language unless everyone present speaks it: “No Esperanto. I’m not joking.” (Captain Fantastic, 2016)

14.) Hari Kondabolu is making a documentary decrying Hank Azaria’s offensive depiction of Indian character Apu on The Simpsons; Azaria refuses to take part, claiming that he doesn’t want to be at the mercy of Kondabolu’s edit, leaving Kondabolu to bitterly muse: “He gets to choose how he is viewed by other people.” (The Problem with Apu, 2017)

13.) Harry (Robert Downey Jr.): “God, I’m sore. I mean, physically, not like a guy who’s angry in a movie in the 1950s.” (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, 2005)

12.) “Removing an eye is easy. All it takes is a confident man and a coffee spoon.” (Senseless, 2008)

Or a confident woman, jeesh

11.) Bartender (John Rue): “You look like you had a bad day.” Joel (Paul Rudd): “Heh, tell me about it.” Bartender: “Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven’t said very much.” Joel: “You can say that again.” [Repeats exact dialogue multiple times.] (They Came Together, 2014)

10.) [Captain Underpants (Ed Helms) has fallen out of a window and into the street] Driver: “Out of the road, bozo!” Captain Underpants: “Why thank you, vehicle person!” (Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie, 2017)

9.) Jungle Brad (Dan Conroy): “The jungle is a dangerous place, that’s true, but as anyone who has ever seen two monkeys give each other things knows, it’s a happy place, too.” (The Lost Skeleton Returns Again)

Not a lot of pictures or clips of Jungle Brad, so here’s the trailer

8.) Russ Thorn (Michael Villella), the killer, posing as a pizza guy: “Pizza delivery.” Jeff (David Millbern) [referring to the cost of the pizza]: “What’s the damage?” Russ Thorn [referring to his running total of victims]: “Six…so far.” (The Slumber Party Massacre, 1982)

7.) Batman (Will Arnett): “Okay, Robin. Together, we’re gonna punch these guys so hard, words describing the impact are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air.” (The Lego Batman Movie, 2017)

6.) Abel (Mark Rylance), to his lawyer, James (Tom Hanks): “Standing there like that you reminded me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young. My father used to say, ‘Watch this man.’ So I did. Every time he came. And never once did he do anything remarkable.” James: “And I remind you of him?” Abel: “This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten. And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still he got back up to his feet. I think because of this they stopped the beating. They let him live. ‘Stoit i muzhik,’ I remember them saying it. ‘Stoit i muzhik.’ Which sort of means like uh, ‘standing man’. ” (Bridge of Spies, 2015)

5.) Malcolm (Jack Black): “I wanna punch that guy in the nose.” Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh): “You’ve never hit anyone.” Malcolm: “I have too!” Pauline: “Who?” Malcolm: “Lots of people! They’re not around cause I punched them.” (Margot at the Wedding, 2007)

4.) [Lori (Elisabeth Shue) bursts into a writer’s office on a soap opera set] “Hi, uh, I’m Lori Craven and…I’m an actress.” Betsy Faye Sharon (Carrie Fisher): “An actress! Really! How nice for you! I’m Betsy Faye Sharon and I’m a bitch. Now get out of here.” (Soapdish, 1991)

Oh Carrie Fisher, America’s sweetheart. We miss you.

3.) [After fighting evil shapeshifters] Lou (Leo Fafard): “God, I could use a drink.” Tina (Amy Matysio): “I could use a hospital.” Lou: “Okay. Two stops.” (Wolf Cop, 2014)

2.) [Shane (John Hawkes) brags that he has women on every corner of the globe] Pierre (Anton Yelchin): “Globes don’t have corners!” (The Driftless Area, 2015)

1.) Bessie Smith (Queen Latifah) to the KKK, who are trying to ruin her show: “You better pick up your sheets and run!” (Bessie, 2015)

Couldn’t find a decent clip of that scene, so this’ll have to do

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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