Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part XIV

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part fourteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) [Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) has been unwillingly thrust into a fight to the death with Nix (Samara Weaving)] Miles: “So how about you and me, we can just, like, truce things out, and you can stop destroying my things. Or, just, like, shoot around the really rare stuff?” Nix: “Okay. Here’s what we’ll do. Take a few minutes. Breathe. Relax.” Miles: “Okay.” Nix: “And then go take a shit because there’s nothing worse than shooting a poop-filled corpse.” (Guns Akimbo, 2019)

24.) Dennis (Frederick Koehler): “All I do now is hope…hope that the cheap electric car will come crashing through the doors. I’ll be safely back at the carnival, and the scariest haunted house in the world will finally come to an end.” (The Evil Within, 2017)

If you haven’t seen this, it’s actually pretty creepy. There’s an interesting story behind it, but the article has spoilers for the movie, so beware!

23.) Danny Trejo, as “himself”, a prisoner in a Russian gulag: “I’m a triple threat: a singer, a dancer, and a murderer!” (Muppets Most Wanted, 2014)

22.) Laurel (Julianne Moore), a police officer dying of cancer and trying to make sure her pension goes to her girlfriend: “When my heterosexual partners die their pension goes to their spouses. But because my partner is a woman, I don’t get to do that. In my twenty-three years as a police officer, I’ve never asked for special treatment. I’m only asking for equality.” (Freeheld, 2015) [This is based on a true story from long before gay marriage was legal.]

21.) Dave (Nick Thune): “Aah! Everyone are assholes!” Harry (James Urbaniak): “Is.” Dave: “Everyone is assholes! No, that doesn’t sound right.” (Dave Made a Maze, 2017)

This is not that scene, but ooh it’s a good one

20.) Jack (Rob Corddry), on the odd happenings in his house and visitors popping up suddenly: “I am so sick of being startled!” (Hell Baby, 2013)

19.) Vienna (Joan Crawford), a saloon owner holding off an angry mob: “Down there I sell whiskey and cards. All you can buy up these stairs is a bullet in the head. Now which do you want?” (Johnny Guitar, 1954)

If you watch this (and of course I hope that you do, that’s why I put it there), the dialogue is a little out of sync with the actors’ mouths, but the stellar performances come through. That’s Mercedes McCambridge in the green dress.

18.) [Marge (Frances McDormand), who’s pregnant and having morning sickness, leans close to the ground at a crime scene] Lou (Bruce Bohne): “You see something down there, Chief?” Marge: “No, I just think I’m gonna barf.” (Fargo, 1996)

17.) Regan (Sarah Davenport), the lead in a horror film the writer/director proudly proclaimed as being full of smart women [plug for an interview I did with him at the time goes here]: “I got a book that needs reading.” (The Hatred, 2017)

16.) Father Tom (Henry Thomas), who’s possessed, regarding Doris, who is also possessed: “She’s part of the walls now. And she told me the most wonderful, awful things.” (Ouija: Origin of Evil, 2016)

15.) [Filmmaker Michael Moore re-dubs old movie footage of Jesus to make a point about corporate greed] “I’m sorry, I cannot heal your pre-existing condition. He’ll have to pay out of pocket.”  (Capitalism: A Love Story, 2009)

14.) “I’m sorry, what should I say to bring someone out of hiding? We have candy. Free pony rides!” (Don’t Blink, 2014) [I don’t remember who said this, or quite what the context was, but it’s got the nostalgia factor for me as I encountered it as part of a project when I watched a hundred movies released in 2014 in order to make my own Academy Awards-style show exclusively about horror movies; I had a best quotes category, and this was a nominee.]

13.) Harley Quinn (Melissa Rauch) is working as a waitress at a Hooters-type restaurant for gals in costume, and a dude tries to grab her butt: “Gonna lose that hand, puddin.” (Batman and Harley Quinn, 2017)

12.) Aldo (Brad Pitt), threatening a German soldier who won’t give him information: “Quite frankly, watchin Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to goin to the movies.” (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)

11.) Slick (Gregory Smith): “I’m gonna wash this blood off…with your blood.” (Hobo with a Shotgun, 2011)

10.) Brad (Ed Helms), on the phone with David (Jason Sudeikis): “I’m just getting some singing lessons from my main man, Ben Folds Five, ain’t that right, Ben Folds Five?” Ben Folds: “My name is Ben Folds. Five is the name of the band.” Brad: “You’re fuckin with me, I love it! [To David] You gotta meet this guy! Benjy Five is a laugh riot! Remember that song ‘Brick’ we used to listen to, ‘She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly’, it’s–I’ve got the guy! I fucking got that guy! He’s like my personal bitch! Listen, is everything okay?” David: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, things are fine. I’m about 200 miles away from you, I’ll be there in less than three hours, all right?” Brad: “All right, peace!” [Hangs up] David, to himself: “Oh, fucking asshole!” Brad, to Folds: “Scales, let’s do this.” Folds: “This gig sucks.” Brad: “Don’t talk to me like that. I will have you killed and no one will miss your fuckin nerd music.” (We’re the Millers, 2013)

9.) Michelle (Melissa McCarthy), to her former assistant’s daughter, whom she’s babysitting: “Have you seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It’s the goriest part. You’re missing it!” (The Boss, 2016)

8.) Emma (Ella Purnell): “You don’t have to make us feel safe–because you’ve made us feel brave.” (Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, 2016)

7.) [On a cable network that’s actually hell] The Exorcisist Instructor (Kim Restell): “Cool down. Shake it out. Okay. Now vomit!” (Stay Tuned, 1992)

6.) [In the movie, a hotel is dedicated to helping people find a mate, and if they don’t do so after 45 days, they’ll be turned into an animal] Hotel Manager (Olivia Colman) on how to spend one’s last night as a human: “It would be wise to do something you can’t do as an animal. For example, read a work of classic literature or sing a song you really like.” (The Lobster, 2015)

This isn’t that scene, but it’s also delightfully absurd

5.) Tuskegee Airman #1 (Keith Powell): “The Tuskegee airmen are headed down the runway!” Tuskegee Airman #2 (Craig Robinson): “Would you stop narrating everything we do? Just live in the moment!” Tuskegee Airman #1: “The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment!” (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, 2009)

There should really be a clip of this

4.) LaBoeuf (Matt Damon): “My name is LaBoeuf. I’ve just come from Yell County.” Mattie (Hailee Steinfeld): “We have no rodeo clowns in Yell County.” (True Grit, 2010)

3.) Nishino (Teruyuki Kagawa): “Your husband is a fine fellow. The other day, we chatted on the street. Ladies must love him.” Yasuko (Yûko Takeuchi): “No, not really. Bye now.” (Kurîpî: Itsuwari no rinjin, AKA Creepy, 2016)

2.) Annie (Toni Collette), to her teenage son: “All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face!” (Hereditary, 2018)

1.) [Calvin (Kevin Hart) is being threatened in a bar after stopping a guy from taking his friend’s chair]: “Let’s go.” Bob (Dwayne Johnson): “Nah. We’re not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.” Thug (George Carroll): “Hey, how about this? Why don’t you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?” Calvin: “That’s, that’s a lot…” Bob: “Yeah. You’re right, C.J. That’s a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot. I’m afraid we ain’t going anywhere.” Big Rick (Nate Richman): “It’s time for you to get outta here, pal.” Thug: “There’s four of us, tough guy.” Bob: “Yeah. No, I got that. All right, well, before this whole thing goes down, you should know one thing about me.” Thug: “What’s that?” Bob: [Drinks a shot] “I don’t like bullies.” [Beats up all four of them in seconds] (Central Intelligence, 2016)

Bonus clip–Kumail Nanjiani is a pure delight

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

3 thoughts on “Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part XIV

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