Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part sixteen of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):
22.) [A commercial about a woman with problem household odors] 1st Guest (Dulcie Jordan): “Fish for dinner last night?” 2nd guest (Gracia Lee): “Phewww…Harvey still smoking those cigars?” 3rd Guest (Sheila Rogers): “Christ! Did a cow shit in here?” (The Kentucky Fried Movie, 1977)
17.) Tanner (Tyler Perry), to his client, whose wife faked her own disappearance to teach him a lesson: “You got a book deal, a Lifetime movie, you franchised the bar. You may want to thank her. Just don’t piss her off.” (Gone Girl, 2014)
8.) Mindy (Chloë Grace Moretz), when asked by her father what she wants for her birthday: “Can I get a puppy?” Damon (Nicolas Cage): “You wanna get a dog?” Mindy: “Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha. [Horrified silence from Damon] I’m just fucking with you, Daddy. Look, I’d love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.” (Kick-Ass, 2010)
6.) Kisha (Essence Atkins) and Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) are pretending the ghost in their house isn’t bothering them: [A glass flies across the room] Kisha: “Good thing we switched to plastic.” [Stuff falls down by itself] Malcolm: “We’ll have to get that pot rack looked at.” [All the drawers and cabinets fly open] Malcolm: “Tea’s done.” (A Haunted House, 2013)
5.) Julie (Mamie Gummer), to her mother, a musician: “Did you have a gig tonight, or do you always dress like a hooker from Night Court?” (Ricki and the Flash, 2015) [In case you missed it, Night Court was a courtroom comedy TV show from the ’80s]
4.) [Rafael (Raymond Cruz) is checking for evil spirits by using eggs. He cracks one and black sludge comes out] Anna (Linda Cardellini), unimpressed: “Oh, that’s a trick. I saw that on Johnny Carson.” Chris (Roman Christou): “Mom?” [Three other eggs vibrate and explode, covering Anna with goo.] Rafael, deadpan: “Ta-da.” (The Curse of La Llorona, 2019)
3.) Blake (Alec Baldwin), motivating a group of realtors: “Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close!” (Glengarry Glen Ross, 1992)
2.) *This one’s quite lengthy, so if you don’t feel like reading a novella, do watch the clip. It’s delightful.
[Jibran (Kumail Nanjiani) and his girlfriend Leilani (Issa Rae), unwillingly embroiled in a plot involving murder and blackmail, are interrogating a frat boy, Steve (Moses Storm), while doing their best to be menacing] Jibran: “We’re asking the questions. And the answers to our questions better be answers. But the answers to your questions are gonna be my fists.” Steve: “What? [Leilani slaps him] Oww.” Leilani: “First of all, motherfucker, who do you work for?” Jibran: “Yeahhhh, motherfucker!” Steve: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jibran: “Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.” Leilani: “Don’t do it. Don’t do it.” Jibran: “We don’t like it.” Leilani: “Nope.” Jibran: “Cause we know you’re lying and then we have piss on our backs.” Steve: “I would never do that!” Leilani: “So tell us what we wanna know.” Jibran: “Yeah. Do you know Bicycle?” Steve: “Do I know Bicycle? What does that mean?” Jibran: “Bicycle! Two wheels…” Leilani: “Handlebars.” Jibran: “Sometimes there’s a basket.” Leilani: “And sometimes there’s spokesssss.” Jibran: “Yeah, ET rode one and flew in it, bitch!” Steve: “I know what a bicycle is. Do you mean Tom?” Jibran: “I don’t know. Do we look like a bitch?” Steve: “Fine! I work for Tom. Tom rides a bicycle, he’s like a weird environmentalist!” Jibran: “Is environmentalism weird, or is it absolutely necessary?” Leilani: “I recycle everything!” Jibran: “Yeah, sometimes she’ll try and recycle eggshells and banana peels, and I’ll be like, ‘That’s more compost.'” Leilani: “Okay, focus back on me, little Brett Kavanaugh. What do you do for Tom?” Steve: “I’m not supposed to say.” Leilani: “Shut the fuck up and talk, Chug-a-lug Chuck!” Steve: “How am I supposed to shut the fuck up and talk at the same time? That’s impossible!” Leilani: “Figure that shit out!” Jibran: “Figure it out.” Steve: “Please, all we do is we stuff these envelopes, okay? And then we have to deliver them to these like rich people.” Leilani: “What rich people?” Steve: “I don’t know, okay? He works at this like, uh, club. These people are…These people are dangerous, okay? You don’t wanna fuck with these people, okay? I just– [Leilani smacks him] Oww! I have been one hundred percent cooperating!” Leilani: “I don’t like your tone, Date Rape McGee!” (The Lovebirds, 2020)
Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.