Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part XVII

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part seventeen. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Jennifer (Jessica Paré): “Nobody likes a judge.” Joey (Rob Stefaniuk): “Yeah, nobody likes a vampire, either!” (Suck, 2009)

Yes, that is a straw sticking out of his neck. No, that’s not Matthew Lillard.

24.) Sergeant Stone (Rosalind Cash), investigating a haunted gym in which a ghost has infiltrated the automated equipment: “Aw, fuck this computer shit!” [Shoots open the door] [Lives to the end of the movie] (Death Spa, 1988)

This is not that scene. This is the one when a suspect calls her miss, and she snaps back, “Sergeant!”

23.) Amy (Jennifer Jason Leigh), regarding her friend’s invention of the hula hoop: “Finally there would be a thingamajig that would bring everyone together, even if it kept them apart spatially.” (The Hudsucker Proxy, 1994)

This scene is my runner-up quote. Transcript at the bottom of the article because the subtitles are terrible.

22.) Ave (Brian Cox): “I learned one thing during the war: that you fight with whatever you’ve got, whatever you can lay your hands on…and you never stop. The minute you do, that’s the minute the world rolls right over you.” (Red, 2008) [Not to be confused with 2010’s RED–this is about a dude who grudgingly takes revenge when three punk teens kill his dog and refuse to apologize]

Runner-up quote–Danny (Noel Fisher, pictured above): “You’re fucking crazy.” Ave: “In that case, you’d better do what I tell you, hadn’t you?”

21.) Spider-Man Noir (Nicolas Cage): “You hard-boiled turtle slapper!” (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, 2018)

My runner-up quote: the “You gotta say ‘I love you’ back” scene

20.) Hans (Christopher Walken): “Marty, I’ve been reading your movie. Your women characters are awful. None of them have anything to say for themselves. And most of them get either shot or stabbed to death within five minutes. And the ones that don’t probably will later on.” Marty (Colin Farrell): “Well, it’s a hard world for women. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.” Hans: “Yeah, it’s a hard world for women, but most of the ones I know can string a sentence together.” (Seven Psychopaths, 2012)

My runner-up quote: Hans: “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, I believe that wholeheartedly.” Billy (Sam Rockwell): “No it doesn’t. There’ll be one guy left with one eye. How’s the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left, who’s still got one eye? All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush.”

19.) Tamatoa (Jemaine Clement): “Are you just trying to get me to talk about myself? Because if you are…I will gladly do so!” (Moana, 2016)

My runner-up quote–Moana (Auli’i Cravalho), to the anthropomorphized ocean, which she is mad at: “Fish pee in you! All day!”

18.) Priscilla (Abigail Breslin): “Can I gut-shoot someone?” Rango (Johnny Depp): “Let’s put a pin in that.” (Rango, 2011)

17.) Kwame Ture (Corey Hawkins), to a white cop who threatens to put him in jail: “We were born in jail!” (BlacKkKlansman, 2018)

If you haven’t seen this movie , it’s about Ron Stallworth (John David Washington), a cop in the ’70s who investigates the KKK by pretending to be a white dude (over the phone, no White Chicks stuff)–this is the scene when he tells off David Duke

16.) Blind Swordsman (Chris O’Dowd): “I love to paint.” Davenport (P.J. Byrne): “Oh, wow. Are you any good?” Blind Swordsman: “I don’t know.” (Dinner for Shmucks, 2010)

15.) [Alice needs guns for a heist but can’t get them legally, so she asks a woman at a gun show for help. The woman balks, but her daughter steps in] Gun Daughter (Katherine Mallen Kupferer): “Mom, you always say a gun is a girl’s best friend.” (Widows, 2018)

Can’t find a clip of that scene, but this is a good one, too

14.) Richard (Jeff Daniels): “If only everything in the world could be covered in butter. What a world that would be.” (Paper Man, 2009)

Hated this movie, but I love that line

13.) Audrey (Lupita Nyong’o, trying to break into a store to escape zombies, to Teddy (Josh Gad), who’s already inside: “We have kids out here!” Teddy: “Oh! Oh my God! I don’t give a shit!” (Little Monsters, 2019)

Bonus clip of Lupita Nyong’o
Okay, last one, I promise

12.) Director Spike Jonze, wearing makeup that makes him appear much older, to a person who helps him get his mobility scooter unstuck: “You’re a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?” (Jackass: The Movie, 2002)

This is not that scene, but YouTube offered me either this or Spike Jonze in Bad Grandpa, and I certainly wasn’t going there

11.) Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg): “If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren’t in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.” Gamble (Will Ferrell): “Okay, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don’t like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of freshwater source, that makes sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I’m assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what, you’ve wandered into our school of tuna and now we have a taste of lion. We’ve talked to ourselves. We’ve communicated and said, ‘You know what, lion tastes good, let’s go get some more lion.’ We’ve developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.” Hoitz: “How you gonna do that?” Gamble: “We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It’s not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You’re out-gunned and out-manned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.” (The Other Guys, 2010)

10.) Patrick (George Newbern), to his cat: “Don’t just sit there, Nathan. Set the table.” (Doppelganger, 1993)

9.) Katherine Johnson (Taraji P. Henson), explaining to her boss why she was gone for 40 minutes just going to the bathroom–it’s the early 1960s, by the way: “There are no colored bathrooms in this building, or any building outside the west campus, which is half a mile away. Did you know that? I have to walk to Timbuktu just to relieve myself. And I can’t use any of the handy bikes. Picture that, Mr. Harrison. My uniform skirt below my knees, my heels, and a simple string of pearls. Well, I don’t own pearls. Lord knows you don’t pay coloreds enough to afford pearls! And I work like a dog, day and night, living off of coffee from a pot none of you wanna touch!” (Hidden Figures, 2016)

8.) Turner (Darrell Hammond), the CEO of an unearthly company: “Damn his vampirism! Today of all days! Uh, two bullet points for your to-do list: rewrite the Donnigan Initiative by 2 PM on Tuesday, incinerate the demon Mike’s unearthly husk, in roughly, uh…one hour.” (Netherbeast Incorporated, 2007)

You don’t have to watch the trailer–unexpectedly, the scenes with Hammond are the most watchable in the movie

7.) Max (Steve Carell), infiltrating a bomb-maker’s home under the name Shpilkes, is caught and shown footage of his spy partner in an air duct: “Mrs. Shpilkes must be lost.” (Get Smart, 2008)

6.) Sherman (Max Charles): “Now can we have some cake?” Marie Antoinette (Lauri Fraser): “Mais, oui!” Sherman: “Oh, yeah, sorry. Heh. ‘May we’ have some cake?” Marie Antoinette: “Mais, oui!” Sherman: “Maybe she can’t hear me through the hair.” (Mr. Peabody & Sherman, 2014)

5.) Irving (Christian Bale) to his wife, referring to their new microwave–it’s the ’70s: “I told you not to put metal in the science oven, what did you do that for?” (American Hustle, 2013)

4.) [This movie is based on the experiments of Stanley Milgram in the early ’60s, who tricked people into thinking they were shocking a man in another room; the experiment tested how long people would follow directions to keep pushing the shock button. With a few exceptions, most people just kept doing it.] Rensaleer (Anton Yelchin): “The man, he seems to be getting hurt.” Milgram (Peter Sarsgaard): “There is no permanent tissue damage.” Rensaleer: “Yes, but I know what shocks do to you, I’m an electrical engineer. Now I have had shocks. Get real shook up by them, especially if you know the next one is coming. I’m sorry.” Milgram: “It’s absolutely essential that you do continue.” Rensaleer: “Well, I won’t! Not with the man screaming to get out.” Milgram: “You have no other choice.” Rensaleer: “Why don’t I have a choice? I came here of my own free will, I thought I could help in a research project, but if I have to hurt somebody…if I was in his place…No, I can’t continue. I’ve probably gone too far already.” [Leaves] (Experimenter, 2015)

3.) Doug (Leigh Whannell): “Oh look, carnage!” (Cooties, 2014)

2.) [Joe (Denzel Washington), a homophobic lawyer, has grudgingly taken on a case defending a colleague who was fired for being gay] Young Man in Pharmacy (Andre B. Blake): “How’s the trial going?” Joe: “Excuse me?” YMiP: “It’s a great case. I saw you on television, I’m a law student at Penn.” Joe: “Oh! All right, how are you. You saw me on TV.” YMiP: “Yeah.” Joe: “It’s a good school, Penn, what year are you in?” YMiP: “Second.” Joe: “Good.” YMiP: “Listen, I just wanted to tell you this case, it’s tremendously important, and I just want to let you know I think you’re doing a fantastic job. Thank you.” [Joe gives him a business card and they shake hands] Joe: “Thank you. All right. When you graduate, you give me a call. Okay?” YMiP: “All right. Thank you.” Joe: “Take it easy.” YMiP: “Thank you very much. Listen, Joe?” Joe: “Yeah?” YMiP: “Would you like to have a drink with me? I just finished a game and I could use a beer, you know?” Joe: “Uh, no, no, I can’t, you know, my wife is…” YMiP: “I don’t pick up people in drugstores every day.” Joe: “You think I’m gay?” YMiP: “Aren’t you?” Joe: “What’s the matter with you? Do I look gay to you?” YMiP, gesturing to the sports gear he’s wearing: “Do I look gay to you? [Joe storms off] Joe, relax!” [Joe comes back] Joe: “No, what do you mean, relax? I oughta kick your faggoty little ass.” YMiP: “Take it as a compliment, jeez.” [Joe grabs his shirt] “You know that’s exactly the kind of bullshit that makes people hate your little faggoty ass.” YMiP: “You wanna try and kick my ass, Joe?”

Gay folks in movies from before the last couple of decades were pretty rare, never mind non-stereotypical ones. This here was groundbreaking.

1.) [Rachel True, discussing Sennia Nanua’s casting as the main character in The Girl with All the Gifts and the lack of parts available for her as a young Black actress] “That’s the kind of opportunity that I would have killed for in the ’90s. Reading script after script after script and wanting to read for the lead girl but going, oh, no, okay. I’m the friend, so I’m gonna say, ‘Are you okay? [Different inflections] Oh, are you okay? Are you okay?’ ” [Cut to a clip of True and Alyssa Milano in Embrace of the Vampire] “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” [Back to True’s interview] “I mean, six million different ways to Sunday. I have to figure out a million different line readings for the same line because whatever thing is going on, it’s not about the Black people and what we’re going through, it’s ‘Are you, white person in peril, okay?’ ” (Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror, 2019)

This is officially the coolest picture ever taken: from left to right, that’s True, Noire director Xavier Burgin, Tony Todd, and Tananarive Due

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Mail Room Orienter (Christopher Darga): “You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it’s a Monday, then you punch in at 8:00. Punch in late, and they dock ya. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock ya. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock ya! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. [Meanwhile, people are throwing stuff at him with a bunch of other numbers.] Code it wrong and they dock ya! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock ya!”

Published by GhoulieJoe

I wuvs the horror movies and like to write snarky reviews about them. I also included some pretentious as hell microfiction (don't worry, it's at the bottom).

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