‘Reborn’ is Shockingly Watchable

Ken (Chaz Bono) is a sexy but deranged diener (the technical term for an employee at a morgue–not a lazy pun, I googled it) who inadvertently reanimates a baby that died in the womb. (Don’t expect logic here, just go with it.) He decides to take the infant home and raise her as his sister,Continue reading “‘Reborn’ is Shockingly Watchable”

‘Rise: Blood Hunter’ is…well, Lucy Liu is Awesome (review)

Sadie (Lucy Liu) is a reporter who decides it would be a swell idea to explore the sketchy neighborhood where a series of killings occurred, all by herself. (Though in her defense, no one knows they were committed by vampires.) Here’s my paraphrase of the scene when Sadie is on the phone with her colleague,Continue reading “‘Rise: Blood Hunter’ is…well, Lucy Liu is Awesome (review)”

‘Rumpelstiltskin’: So Bad, it’s…Just Bad (review)

Rumpelstiltskin (Max Grodénchik) is a goblin-type guy in the 1400s wanting to trick people into letting him grant them wishes so he can claim their first-born babies. The local villagers are less than pleased with his conduct and hunt him down, and a witch turns him into a statue. Flash-forward to present-day LA, when housewifeContinue reading “‘Rumpelstiltskin’: So Bad, it’s…Just Bad (review)”

The Ruins: Give Plants a Chance! (review)

College student Amy (Jena Malone), her boyfriend Jeff (Jonathan Tucker), Eric (Shawn Ashmore), and his girlfriend Stacy (Laura Ramsey) are on vacation in Mexico when they meet friendly Mathias (Joe Anderson), who invites them to join him on a trip to a Mayan temple that his brother is exploring. Once there, they discover the MayanContinue reading “The Ruins: Give Plants a Chance! (review)”

Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rope’: Murder! Wit! More Gay Coloring than You Can Shake a Stick at! (review)

Brandon (John Dall) and Phillip (Farley Granger) kill their acquaintance David (Dick Hogan) because they want to test their theory that “Moral concepts of right and wrong don’t hold for the intellectually superior.” Phillip immediately regrets it, while Brandon is “tremendously exhilarated” (that’s ‘40s talk for orgasmic). They then proceed to throw the body inContinue reading “Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rope’: Murder! Wit! More Gay Coloring than You Can Shake a Stick at! (review)”

‘The Rite’: Heavy-handed, but Delivered in a Creepy and Thoughtful Wrapping (review)

Michael (Colin O’Donoghue) is a seminary student who is starting to wonder if he really wants to be a priest. Since the Church recently decided it wants an exorcist for every diocese, Michael is sent to exorcism school in Rome. He meets comely reporter Angelina (Alice Braga) and Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins), a funny oldContinue reading “‘The Rite’: Heavy-handed, but Delivered in a Creepy and Thoughtful Wrapping (review)”

Hideo Nakata’s ‘Ringu’: Ya See, Kids, the ’90s were a Simpler Time… (review)

The Japanese movie that was remade in America as The Ring. Asakawa (Nanako Matsushima) is a reporter investigating mysterious deaths (including that of her niece Tomoko), all occurring one week after the victims watched a strange videotape. Asakawa locates the actual tape and watches it. With seven days to live, in desperation she shows itContinue reading “Hideo Nakata’s ‘Ringu’: Ya See, Kids, the ’90s were a Simpler Time… (review)”

‘Return to Oz’: Way Creepier than ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (review)

It’s six months after Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) returned from Oz (actually forty-six years in real time). Dorothy can’t shut up about her wonderful adventures in Oz, which earns her a trip to the local sanitarium for shock treatment. After escaping, Dorothy wakes up back in Oz, this time with her chicken Billina (voiced by DeniseContinue reading “‘Return to Oz’: Way Creepier than ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (review)”

‘Repossessed’: You Gotta, at Least Once (review)

It’s an early ‘90s spoof of The Exorcist. Nancy (Linda Blair) is a housewife who was once possessed as a young girl, and who becomes, as the title suggests, repossessed. Leslie Nielsen is Father Mayii, the priest who comes to her aid. Things are complicated when Ernest (Ned Beatty) and Fanny Ray Weller (Lana Schwab),Continue reading “‘Repossessed’: You Gotta, at Least Once (review)”

‘Repo! The Genetic Opera’: Dark, Witty, Campy–with Awesome Songs! (review)

It’s the not-too-distant future, and an epidemic of organ failures gives rise to Geneco, an organ financing conglomerate that helps people “cheat death for now.” Surgery becomes a fashion statement, and organ repossession becomes legal. Since everyone is now in debt, the Repo Man (Anthony Stewart Head) makes a brisk business. But he also hasContinue reading “‘Repo! The Genetic Opera’: Dark, Witty, Campy–with Awesome Songs! (review)”