Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part IX

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part nine of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Creedy “(Gerard Butler): “Only thing worse than a dragon…Americans.” (Reign of Fire, 2002)

24.) [Two members of a self-styled neighborhood watch are trying to intimidate a teen who egged them] Franklin (Jonah Hill): “Do you think it’s nice to throw eggs at people?” Evan (Ben Stiller): “Do you?” Franklin: “You gonna answer the question? It’s rude. It hurts peoples’ feelings and it hurts their faces.” Evan: “And now you deal with the consequences.” Franklin: “Homegirl’s trying to make an omelet.” Evan: “Yeah, look at me.” Franklin: “Look at his face.” Evan: “Look at my face.” Franklin: “Look at his face and listen to me.” Evan: “Look at him and listen to me.” Franklin: “Look at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one. Listen to my words and hear his face.” (The Watch, 2012)

23.) [Julia (Clare Higgins) tears out her former lover’s heart in a callback to the previous movie, in which he stabbed her and assured her it was nothing personal] “Nothing personal, babe.” (Hellbound: Hellraiser II, 1988)

22.) Marge (Ronee Blakley), after calmly explaining to her frightened daughter that Freddy Krueger can’t hurt her because she and a mob of other parents burned him alive: “He can’t get you. He’s dead, honey, because Mommy killed him.” (A Nightmare on Elm Street, 1984)

21.) Carol (Helen Hunt): “I don’t know if you’re being cute or crazy now.” Melvin (Jack Nicholson): “Cute.”  (As Good as It Gets, 1997)

20.) [A woman’s tongue has become sentient, murderous, and fertile, and it tries to convince her a baby would be a good idea]: “It could bring love, peace, and happiness into the world. Save the whales and the dolphins and the prawns and little things that crawl and go ‘lookie’ and all the rest of that shit.” (Killer Tongue AKA La Lengua Asesina, 1996)

19.) Tec (Damien Dante Wayans), after two cars drive into his house: “Don’t anybody know where the goddamn driveway is?” (Malibu’s Most Wanted, 2003)

18.) Sheila Broflovski (Mary Kay Bergman): “Remember what the MPAA says: horrific, deplorable violence is okay as long as people don’t say any naughty words.” (South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, 1999)

17.) [Danny (Austin O’Brien) has been transported into the world of a series of action movies starring Jack (Arnold Schwarzenegger), and Jack has killed an intruder hiding in his closet] Danny: “Jeez, how’d you know there was a guy in there?” Jack: “There’s always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.” (Last Action Hero, 1993)

16.) [Mulan (Ming-Na Wen), who’s posing as a man to save her father from having to join the army, has been caught in a brawl by Shang (BD Wong)]: “You know how it is when you get those manly urges, you just gotta kill something…fix things…cook outdoors…” Shang: “What’s your name?” [Falters while trying to make something up] Chi Fu (James Hong): “Your commanding officer just asked you a question!” Mulan: “I’ve got a name…and it’s a boy’s name, too!” (Mulan, 1998)

15.) Governor Ratcliffe (David Ogden Stiers): “Wiggins, why do you think those insolent heathens attacked us?” Wiggins (also David Ogden Stiers): “Because we invaded their land and cut down their trees and dug up their earth?” (Pocahontas, 1995)

14.) Fozzie (Frank Oz): “A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.” (The Muppet Movie, 1979)

13.) [In a hot air balloon] Fozzie (Frank Oz): “What if there’s a storm? Or we get struck by lightning?” Gonzo (Dave Goelz): “That’d be neat!” (The Great Muppet Caper, 1981)

12.) Kate (Christina Ricci), regarding feelings of love: “I know. There’s chemicals.” (Mermaids, 1990)

11.) [National treasure Pootie Tang has recorded a new single that’s completely silent, but people still love it. A young boy has cranked up the song on the radio, and his father storms in]: “Turn that noise down, dammit!” (Pootie Tang, 2001)

This quote is funnier if you watch the clip

10.) Mark (Jack Nicholson), upon finding out his wife is pregnant: “Let’s sing all the songs we know about babies.” (Heartburn, 1986)

9.) Charlie (Christopher Walken), a gangster who has been kidnapped and had his finger severed: “I’m bleeding to death. Humor me.” (Suicide Kings, 1997)

8.) [The Black Knight (John Cleese) won’t let King Arthur (Graham Chapman) pass]: “I move for no man.” Arthur: “So be it!” [Cuts off his arm] Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!” Knight: “Tis but a scratch!” Arthur: “A scratch? Your arm’s off!” Knight: “No it isn’t!” Arthur: “What’s that then?” Knight: “I’ve had worse.” (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975)

7.) Robin Hood (Cary Elwes): “Watch my back.” Ahchoo (Dave Chappelle): “Your back just got punched twice.” (Robin Hood: Men in Tights, 1993)

6.) Thomas Builds-the-Fire (Evan Adams) “Sometimes it’s a good day to die, and sometimes it’s a good day to have breakfast.” (Smoke Signals, 1998)

5.) Brandon (John Dall): “What would you say to some champagne?” Janet (Joan Chandler): “Hello, champagne.” (Rope, 1948)

4.) [Lewis (Daniel Hansen) has been brought to the future by Wilbur, and a robot he invents when he’s older has recognized him and run away in terror] “Well, that was unexpected. [Wilbur jams a Carmen Miranda-style fruit hat on his head to cover his distinctive hair] …As was that.” (Meet the Robinsons, 2007)

3.) “Every ass has its price.” (Before Night Falls, 2000) [I cannot for the life of me remember who said this in the movie, and I can’t find anything when I google it. I’m pretty sure it was the main character, Reinaldo, or Bon Bon, pictured below.]

Johnny Depp looks amazing as a woman, even with the facial hair

2.) Thug: “I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig! [Starts shooting at him] Take that, you lousy cop!” Drebin: (Leslie Nielsen): “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you! Don’t fire the gun while you’re talking!” (The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, 1988)

1.) [Brenda (Regina Hall), holding Shaquille O’Neal’s femur–he appears in a Saw parody at the beginning]: “I don’t believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!” (Scary Movie 4, 2006)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part VIII

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part eight of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Viola (Amanda Bynes), who’s pretending to be a boy, is hit in the groin with a soccer ball: “Oh. Right. Ow! Oh, for the love of God! It burns!” (She’s the Man, 2006)

24.) Peyton (Rebecca De Mornay), threatening a kid who’s been bullying her nannying charge: “Leave Emma alone! Look at me! If you don’t, I’m gonna rip your fucking head off!” (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, 1992)

23.) Loc Dog (Marlon Wayans): “She got more kids than Mrs. Wayans!” (Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, 1996) [The movie was written by Marlon and Shawn Wayans, who famously have a lot of siblings]

Ah, the mid-90s. Pacifiers were a thing. Don’t ask.

22.) [Elvira has just been hit by a falling movie marquee letter] Bob (Daniel Greene): “How’s your head?” Elvira (Cassandra Peterson): “Well, I haven’t had any complaints yet.” (Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, 1988)

21.) [Two escaped convicts are trying to board a plane with hostages] Ticket Agent (Siobhan Fallon Hogan): “Okay, I’m gonna need the names of the passengers.” Snake (Tom Sizemore): “John Smith.” Ticket Agent: “And the other passengers, sir?” Snake: “John Smith.” Ticket Agent: “You’re all John Smith?” Snake: “Everybody.” Ticket Agent: “I’m gonna need some photo ID, sir.” [Snake gives her money] “There you go.” Ticket Agent: “Okay then, family Smith. Have a nice vacation.” (Big Trouble, 2002)

20.) David (David Naughton), to his friend who was killed gorily by a werewolf and returns as a ghost to warn him: “I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!” (An American Werewolf in London, 1981)

Well, the makeup for David’s transformation into a werewolf won an Oscar

19.) Francesca (Gale Garnett): “Go on without me, Felix. Just leave me something to read.” (Mad Monster Party?, 1967)

This is not that scene, but I loves me the theme song, and you will, too

18.) Frankenstein (Whit Bissell): “Speak. I know you have a civil tongue in your head because I sewed it back myself.” (I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, 1957)

17.) [The ghost of the Titanic shows up in the harbor] Dock Supervisor (Cheech Marin): “Well, better late than never.” (Ghostbusters II, 1989)

16.) [Harry (Orlando Jones) has spotted alien creatures] Ira (David Duchovny): “Oh, cool. Great. Snag one!” Harry: “Snag one?” Ira: “Yeah. Snag one and put them in the bucket.” Harry: “I’ve seen this movie, the Black dude dies first. You snag it!” (Evolution, 2001)

15.) Rachel (Naomi Watts), to Richard (Brian Cox), about his unholy daughter: “I have to stop her. If I don’t, my son will die!” Richard: “Oh, yes. He will. She never sleeps.” (The Ring, 2002)

14.) James Earl Jones, introducing a segment: “Here the sensitive strings of Impressionistic music combine with the subtle artistry of the animators to finally answer the age-old question: What is man’s relationship to nature? [Animator hands him a sheet of paper] Oh, sorry. That age-old question: What would happen if you gave a yo-yo to a flock of flamingos? Who wrote this?” (Fantasia 2000, 1999)

13.) Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire), trying to activate his web powers: “Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away, web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! [Finally gets it to work] Tally ho.”(Spider-Man, 2002)

12.) Chucky (Brad Dourif), to Andy, who’s back for the sequel: “Snap out of it! You act like you’ve never seen a dead body before!” (Child’s Play 2, 1990)

11.) Ben (Nicolas Cage): “Do you know what the preservation room is for?” Riley (Justin Bartha): “Delicious jams and jellies?” (National Treasure, 2004) [It’s actually for cleaning and maintaining important historical documents, apparently]

There’s a real dearth of interesting stills from this movie

10.) Guy on TV (Johnny Depp): “This is your brain. [Cracks an egg into a frying pan] This is your brain on drugs. Questions?” Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund): [Smacks him with the pan] “Yeah! What are you on? Looks like a frying pan and some eggs to me!” (Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 1991) [This is a callback to PSAs from the 80s,in case you missed them]

9.) The Cheshire Cat (Sterling Holloway), literally standing on his head: “Can you stand on your head?” (Alice in Wonderland, 1951)

8.) Doc (Christopher Lloyd), reacting to Marty frequently calling situations “heavy”: “Why are things so heavy in the future, is there something wrong with the Earth’s gravitational pull?” (Back to the Future, 1985)

7.) Dr. Gonzo (Benicio Del Toro): “As your attorney I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you’ll need the cocaine.” (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 1998)

6.) Mudwell (Bill Barretta): “Dead Tom’s dead. Long John shot him!” Walleyed Pike (Steve Whitmire): “But Dead Tom’s always been dead. That’s why he’s called Dead Tom.” (Muppet Treasure Island, 1996)

5.) Rizzo (Steve Whitmire), regarding ghosts: “Whoa, that’s scary stuff. Hey, should we be worried about the kids in the audience?” Gonzo (Dave Goelz): “That’s all right, this is culture.” (The Muppet Christmas Carol, 1992)

4.) [A family of bunnies is disguised as a giant bunny to scare a dog into giving them back their brother, whom he has kidnapped] Bean (Steve Whitmire): “I won’t hurt you, and do you know why?” Dog (Jim Henson): “No, why, Mr. Giant Bunny?” Bean: “Because those who hurt others hurt themselves.” Dog: “‘Those who hurt others hurt themselves.’ Oh, that’s profound.” (The Tale of the Bunny Picnic, 1986)

Forgive the poor quality, this thing’s kinda hard to find; I think my mom recorded it off HBO in the 80s when I saw it

3.) Seth (George Clooney), regarding his evening fighting vampires: “Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!” (From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996)

2.) [Private Joker (Matthew Modine) has found Private Gomer Pyle (Vincent D’Onofrio) out of their bunk after lights out] Joker: “Leonard, if Hartman comes in here and catches us, we’ll both be in a world of shit.” Pyle, who has been pushed to the breaking point: “I am in a world of shit.” (Full Metal Jacket, 1987)

1.) Smokey (Leonard Jackson): “White folks get stranger all the time.” (The Brother from Another Planet, 1984)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part VII

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part seven of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Dolores (Kathy Bates), to her abusive husband: “This is the last time you ever hit me! Next time, one of us is going to the boneyard.” (Dolores Claiborne, 1995)

24.) Libby (Kathy Bates): “I am a gay lesbian woman. I do not mythologize the male sexual organ!” (Primary Colors, 1998)

23.) Captain Kirk (William Shatner): “Spock, you wanna know something? Everybody’s human.” Spock (Leonard Nimoy): “I find that remark…insulting.” (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, 1991)

22.) Terry (Whoopi Goldberg), who has been injected with truth serum, which makes her loopy, upon coming across a punk ’80s couple with brightly colored hair: “Oh look, a tropical fish and his mate.” (Jumpin’ Jack Flash, 1986)

21.) Joanna (Katharine Ross), on the event of her being replaced by a robot: “There’ll be someone with my name and she’ll cook and clean like crazy, but she won’t take pictures and she won’t be me!” (The Stepford Wives, 1975)

20.) “As you’re pretty, so be wise/Wolves may lurk in every guise/Now as then, ’tis simple truth/Sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth.” (The Company of Wolves, 1984)

Could not find a satisfactory clip, so here’s the trailer–if you’ve never seen this, you’re in for a treat

19.) Tomie (Miho Kanno): “You will marry a worthless man one day and have stupid kids.” (Tomie, 1998)

18.) Mollie (Kirstie Alley), who’s in labor: “Don’t touch me! I’m going to have this baby without you touching me!” (Look Who’s Talking, 1989)

17.) [Shitty guy steals Harold’s (John Cho) parking space] “Better luck tomorrow!” (Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, 2004) [This is a reference to Cho’s earlier film of the same name.]

16.) After Richard (Mel Brooks) relentlessly hounds a bellboy (Barry Levinson) to get him a newspaper, the guy surprises him in the shower with it, in homage to Psycho. Richard, sprawled in the bathtub afterwards: “That kid gets no tip.” (High Anxiety, 1977)

15.) Grandma (Glynis Johns), to a group of her granddaughter Mary Katherine’s (Molly Shannon) friends, whom she is training for a talent competition: “We’ve got two days to the big show, so when I say kick, you want to kick, and when I say dip, you dip, and when I say tap, you tap, and when I say–” Mary Katherine: “We get it, Grandmother, we get it, we get it.” Grandma: “I’ve got two more. And when I say booga booga, you booga booga.” Maria (Jennifer Irwin): “What’s booga booga mean?” “I don’t know, but if I say it you better fuckin figure it out!” (Superstar, 1999)

14.) Divine: “This is a direct attack on my divinity!” (Pink Flamingos, 1972)

13.) Bus driver (Tony Genaro): “Girls, watch out for those weirdos.” Nancy (Fairuza Balk): “We are the weirdos, mister.” (The Craft, 1996)

12.) Phil (Bill Murray), who is reliving the same day over and over, to the kid he catches falling out of a tree: “You little brat! You have never thanked me. I’ll see you tomorrow…maybe.” (Groundhog Day, 1993)

11.) Ben (Nathan Phillips), drunk and unaware that he’s teasing a serial killer: “Man, you must love the freedom.” Mick (John Jarratt): “What?” Ben: “Freedom. You know, you must love it. You know, hanging out in nature and shit. You get to like, you know, cruise around the bush, saying cool stuff like ‘That’s not a knife. This is a knife.'” (Wolf Creek, 2005) (In case you were born before the mid-80s, this is a reference to the movie Crocodile Dundee, in which a grizzled Australian man visiting America informs a would-be mugger that his knife is insufficient in size compared to his own.)

10.) “Buildings burn. People die. But real love is forever.” (The Crow, 1994)

9.) Melman the giraffe (David Schwimmer), who’s a hypochondriac: “I often doze off while I’m getting an MRI.” (Madagascar, 2005)

My apologies that all images of him are horrifying

8.) Terry (Mark Ruffalo), in response to his nephew complaining that his seatbelt is uncomfortable: “Well, when someone slams into us and you go sailing through the windshield, that’s liable to be uncomfortable, too. Now put on your seatbelt.” (You Can Count On Me, 2000)

7.) Beavis (Mike Judge), at the Hoover Dam: “Is this a God dam?” (Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, 1996)

6.) Henry (Macaulay Culkin), a youth with major conduct disorder (which is what they call sociopathy in minors): “Once you realize you can do anything, you’re free.” (The Good Son, 1993)

5.) [A vigilante group has formed to take down a guy with animal organs who has become animal-like and is suspected of attacking people] Mob Member (Norm MacDonald, RIP), after asking a series of inane questions of mob leader Sgt. Sisk (John C. McGinley): “Hey, I got another question! Hey, uh, doesn’t this guy deserve a fair trial?” Sisk: “You–back of the mob!” Mob Member: “‘Back of the mob’? What? This is my spot! I came early!” Sisk: “Okay, out of the mob!” “Eh, this mob blows.” (The Animal, 2001)

4.) Special Agent Chester Desmond (Chris Isaak), investigating a murder: “Teresa Banks had a ring. Do you have any idea what happened to it?” Sheriff Cable (Gary Bullock): “We got a phone here. It’s got a little ring.” (Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, 1992)

That’s definitely the face I’d be making if I had to interact with people in a David Lynch movie

3.) Michael (Steve Martin), to his late wife’s portrait: “Rebecca, if there’s anything wrong with my feelings for Dolores, give me a sign. [The painting spins around, cracks appear in the wall, the lights go out, and a disembodied voice wails] Just any kind of sign. I’ll keep on the lookout for it. Meanwhile, I’ll just put you in the closet.” (The Man with Two Brains, 1983)

2.) Motivational speaker Debra (Sigourney Weaver): “I have people coming to me and saying, ‘Debra, I’m in love with an alcoholic. What should I do?’ And I say don’t look to me for answers. Look to yourself! Find that source of unconditional love, find that all-encompassing, ultimate love. Surrender to that unending, infinite love that will let you say ‘Hey! Fuck you! Get outta my house til you stop drinking!'” (Jeffrey, 1995)

1.) Sofia (Oprah Winfrey), to her mother-in-law, who had advised her son to hit Sofia to keep her in line: “All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my uncles, I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men. But I never thought I had to fight in my own house! I loves Harpo. God knows I do. But I’ll kill him dead before I let him beat me.” (The Color Purple, 1985)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part VI

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part six of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Zarabeth (Kathleen Wilhoite), a psychic: “I see danger ahead.” Brandon (Stephen Nichols), who’s driving her home: “For Linda?” Zarabeth: “For you. If you miss my house!” (Witchboard, 1986)

24.) Vida (Patrick Swayze): “I think tomorrow is a ‘Say Something’ hat day.” (To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, 1995)

23.) Diane (JoBeth Williams): “I told you that we never should have told them that the house vanished into thin air!” (Poltergeist II: The Other Side, 1986)

22.) Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon): “Hey, young man! You got knocked the fuck out!” (Next Friday, 2000)

21.) Beth (Aubrey Plaza), to her boyfriend, who’s aghast at her eating habits after she returns from the dead: “What do you want from me, Zach? I’m a fucking zombie! Zombies eat guys!” (Life After Beth)

20.) Claudia (Barbra Streisand), a call girl on trial for killing a client in self defense: “Don’t judge my blowjobs, they’re sane!” (Nuts, 1987)

19.) Pritchett (Chris Kattan), in a hurry to leave before the ghosts in his house come out: “Goddamn it, you gimme my goddamn check right now! Cause I want it! You give it!” (House on Haunted Hill ,1999)

18.) Roger (Campbell Scott), who works in advertising: “I gotta get home, look for work. As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding of how fat and unattractive they are.” (Roger Dodger, 2002)

Look, it’s a young Jesse Eisenberg!

17.) Inspector Kemp (Kenneth Mars): “A riot is an ugly thing. And I think that it’s just about time that we had one!” (Young Frankenstein, 1974)

16.) Vicki (Kim Basinger), having dinner with Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) at his comically large, rich-people dining table: “Do you like eating in here?” Bruce: “Oh, yeah…To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this room before.” (Batman, 1989)

15.) Dennis (Matthew Lillard): “Did I just say there was a petting zoo downstairs? NO! There are ghosts downstairs, Arthur!” (Thir13een Ghosts, 2001)

14.) Jessica (Rob Schneider), a teenage girl who has accidentally switched bodies with a man: “You think you’re so cool cause you can pee with your penis.” (The Hot Chick, 2002)

13.) Fauno (Doug Jones): “Why would a poor little faun like me lie to you?” (Pan’s Labyrinth, 2006)

12.) [Deloris (Whoopi Goldberg) is hiding from the mob in a nunnery and has asked Mother Superior (Maggie Smith) if she can use the phone] Mother Superior: “Whom would you call?” Deloris: “I don’t know. Satan?” (Sister Act, 1992)

11.) Heather (Antonia Bernath) to W.C., who has suggested calling the fire department to deal with the outbreak of the undead: “Great idea! Zombie firemen! Bigger zombies–with axes! Yay!” (Stalled, 2013)

You don’t see Heather until the very end, so here’s the trailer

10.) David (Eric Clawson), to Topaz, who has been trying to communicate with zombies to find out their motivation for being aggressive, and finds out they just really want to kill people: “See? I told you, that’s all they ever want!” (The Dead Hate the Living!, 2000)

Not many stills from this movie

9.) Barbara (Kathleen Turner), who wants to divorce her husband Oliver (Michael Douglas): “When I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just wanna smash your face in.” Oliver: “Come on. Smash my face. You wanna smash my face?” [Barbara punches him] (The War of the Roses, 1989)

8.) [Trish (Gina Philips) has just run over the monster pursuing them] Darry (Justin Long): “You think he’s dead?” Trish: “They never are.” [Reverses the car to run him over some more] (Jeepers Creepers, 2001)

7.) Socrates (Nick Nolte): “You have to get rid of all your addictions.” Dan (Scott Mechlowicz): “What addictions do I have?” “Talking! Especially interrupting.” (Peaceful Warrior, 2006)

6.) Dr. Travis (Peter Curtin): “Are you crazy?” Kyle (Chaney Kley): “Yeah. A little bit.” (Darkness Falls, 2003)

5.) Lieutenant Kinderman (George C. Scott), relaying a non-sequitur about how there’s a live fish in his bathtub and it disturbs him: “I can’t go home until the carp is asleep.” (The Exorcist III: Legion, 1990)

Seems like this would be the more unnerving experience

4.) Guy in car to his boyfriend, who, unbeknownst to him, has kicked out the window because he’s been decapitated: “Holy shit! You really are ticklish!” (Hellbent, 2004)

3.) Peter (James Le Gros), to the food critic who has destroyed his career with a mean critique of his restaurant: “Now my review. J.T. Franks is a worthless cunt who doesn’t deserve to live. The end!” (Bitter Feast, 2010)

2.) Garbled voice over the phone, à la The Ring: “Seven days.” Cindy (Anna Faris): “What? Willie Mays?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Who’s gay? Hello?” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “What?” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Kind of.” Voice: “Can you hear me now?” Cindy: “Yes. Perfect.” Voice: “Seven days.” Cindy: “Seven days. Oh, my God. I’m gonna die next Monday?” Voice: “Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.” Cindy: “So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?” Voice: “Forget hours. This day seven days from now.” Cindy: “But there’s a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?” Voice: “Well, that depends. What holiday?” Cindy: “Martin Luther King Day.” Voice: “Then no.” Cindy: “Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.” Voice: “Jesus Christ, lady. I’m giving you seven friggin days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you’d rather have that.” (Scary Movie 3, 2003)

1.) Dwayne (Paul Dano): “Fuck beauty contests! Life is one fucking beauty contest after another.” (Little Miss Sunshine, 2006)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part V

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part five of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Dracula (Gary Oldman): “They say you are a man of good…taste.” (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

24.) Playwright Joe Orton (Gary Oldman), ogling a guy: “He’s built like a brick shithouse!” (Prick Up Your Ears, 1987)

23.) Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek): “At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” (Frida, 2002)

22.) El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas): “Carolina, did I thank you?” Carolina (Salma Hayek): “No.” El Mariachi: “I will.” (Desperado, 1995)

Cool folks don’t look at explosions

21.) Renee (Darlanne Fluegel), an evil zombie who’s melting in a fire: “Your father and I are trying to work things out!” (Pet Sematary Two)

20.) Nora (Helen Reddy): “If there’s enough room in this town for a chowderhead like you, then there’s more than enough room for a dragon.” (Pete’s Dragon, 1977)

“I am woman, hear me roar!”

19.) Seth (Jeff Goldblum): [Cheerfully examining a growth on his stomach] “Oh, look at this. What’s this? I don’t know.” (The Fly, 1986)

18.) Anastasia (Meg Ryan): “Do you really think I’m royalty?” Dimitri (John Cusack): “You know I do.” Anastasia: “Then stop bossing me around.” (Anastasia, 1997)

17.) Armand (Robin Williams), to his son, who’s getting married to a senator’s daughter and wants to pretend his parents are heterosexual: “Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I’m a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I’m not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don’t give a damn what he thinks.” (The Birdcage, 1996)

16.) Jasmine (some white lady–I mean Linda Larkin): “I am not a prize to be won!” (Aladdin, 1992)

Sure this movie’s all kinds of problematic, but in the early ’90s it was pretty groundbreaking to have a Disney princess of color who wore pants

15.) Robert Thorn (Gregory Peck), after being warned that his son is the antichrist: “I never want to see you again.” Father Brennan (Patrick Troughton): “You’ll see me in hell, Mr. Thorn.” (The Omen, 1976)

14.) Brick (Steve Carell), atop a bear at the zoo: “Hey, Ron! I’m riding a furry tractor!” (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

13.) Darcy (Joan Allen), reading the note her husband, whom she has just found out is a serial kiler, left with her sleeping pills: “Ask yourself if you really need one of these tonight. Yeah, well, I think tonight I do!” (A Good Marriage, 2014)

12.) Title card: “Based on true events. While the names have been changed to respect the victims and their families, the musical numbers will be performed exactly as they occurred.” (Stage Fright, 2014)

11.) Mrs. Banks, a suffragist (Glynis Johns): “We’re all going to Downing Street to throw things at the Prime Minister.” (Mary Poppins, 1964)

10.) Doofer (Harland Williams), who’s dressing as a lady to infiltrate a party: “Look at this little handbag, man, this’ll go perfect with my shoesies.” (Sorority Boys, 2002)

9.) Adult Francie (Stephen Rea), narrating a scene of his childhood: “If anyone was looking for Francie the bad bastard they wouldn’t find him because he was busy getting the Francie not a bad bastard anymore diploma.” (The Butcher Boy, 1997)

Could not decide on an image or find a decent clip, so here’s the trailer

8.) Hyo-shin (Park Yejin), to her girlfriend: “I heard church bells when I first saw you.” (Yeogo goedam II AKA Whispering Corridors: Memento Mori)

7.) [Miss Price (Angela Lansbury) has turned the headmaster into a rabbit] “I warned you, Mr. Browne. Now where is the book?” (Bedknobs and Broomsticks, 1971)

6.) Ed (Nick Frost), on the phone with his friend’s mum: “We’re coming to get you, Barbara.” (Shaun of the Dead, 2004) [This is a play on the line “They’re coming to get you, Barbra” from Night of the Living Dead]

5.) The meaning of life: “Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in. And try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.” (Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, 1983)

4.) Flight attendant played by Molly Ringwald, star of many teen angst movies in the ’80s: “Fucking teenagers!” (Not Another Teen Movie)

3.) Wilbur (Henry Gibson), to Charlotte: “Does versatile mean full of eggs?” (Charlotte’s Web, 1973)

2.) Captain Lucas (Nestor Paiva): “It is impossible. But I, Lucas, will do it.” (Creature from the Black Lagoon, 1954)

That’s Lucas on the left

1.) [Kelly (Alexie Gilmore) and Jim (Bryce Johnson) are studying murals of Bigfoot] Kelly: “He seems clinically depressed, actually.” Jim: “Yeah. ‘Bigfoot sad. Bigfoot no want to work in garden.’ ” Kelly: “Why are they forcing him to do all this work?” Jim: “I don’t know, what the fuck is this. Like, they got him as a day laborer or something. ‘Bigfoot help you put up house for berries.’ ” Kelly: “I would avoid man, too, if I had to do all of this shit.” (Willow Creek, 2013)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part IV

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part four of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Ben (Muse Watson), seeking revenge on the four teens who hit him with their car while drunk driving and left him for dead: “You in some kind of trouble, child?” Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), not recognizing him: “Yes, yeah, I’m in a lot of trouble.” Ben: “That’s a shame, being that it’s the Fourth of July and all. Kids like you should be out having fun. Drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder…things like that.” (I Know What You Did Last Summer, 1997)

24.) Lance (Chris Rock), a bicycle messenger protesting that he could be visiting a resident and not making a delivery: “What’s wrong with me just coming here trying to have some cocoa?” (Down to Earth, 2001)

23.) Petie (Michael Shannon) to Honey, a movie star: “Tell me about Mel Gibson’s dick and balls!” (Cecil B. Demented, 2000)

22.) Boromir (Sean Bean): “What is this new devilry?” (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001)

Anybody know why this picture of Boromir is so popular?

21.) Lance Armstrong, to Peter (Vince Vaughn): “Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung, and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?” (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 2004)

I don’t care if he cheated! It’s still an awesome scene.

20.) Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan): “Everything all right?” Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull): “Yep. Two corpses. Everything’s fine.” (Clue, 1985)

19.) Brad (Barry Bostwick), to a group of Transylvanians who just finished a complicated dance number: “Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?” (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975)

18.) Dr. Giggles (Larry Drake), to a young lady he’s forcing a needed but unwanted organ transplant on: “You may be having second thoughts, but when you wake up you’ll have a change of heart.” (Dr. Giggles, 1992)

If you guessed that the pun for this scene was “He should have kept his hands to himself,” you would be correct. I also would have accepted “Could you lend me a hand?”

17.) Daryl (who’s secretly Satan) (Jack Nicholson): “Men are such cocksuckers, aren’t they?” (The Witches of Eastwick, 1987)

16.) Slim (David Hyde Pierce), who is a stick bug, is trying to get his friend’s attention: “I’m the only stick with eyeballs!” (A Bug’s Life, 1998)

Good golly, he’s terrifying! I forgot how low-tech old Pixar movies look now

15.) Hoffner (Klaus Kinski): “I see you like guns. What else do you like? [Fondles Bryce’s breast] You still haven’t told me what else you like.” Bryce (Diane Salinger): “Violence.” [Elbows him] (Creature, 1985)

Bryce ain’t takin no shit!

14.) [A crow caws] “Nevermore!” Mia (Desi Lydic): “That sounds familiar.” Nadine (Diora Baird): “You’re an idiot!” Mia: “Hey, that sounds familiar, too!” (Stan Helsing, 2009)


13.) [Captain Mandrake (Peter Sellers) wants Colonel Guano (Keenan Wynn) to shoot the lock off the soda machine for change to call the president] Guano: “Okay. I’m gonna get your money for you. But if you don’t get the president of the United States on the phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you?” Mandrake: “What?” Guano: “You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.” (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, 1964)

Ha, I bet you thought I was gonna go with “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.” One of the few AFI quotes I agree with.

12.) [Aliens are shooting lasers and causing massive explosions and fires] Martian: “Don’t run. We are your friends.” (Mars Attacks!, 1996)

11.) Miss Walton (Shirley Jane Harris), to the ghost of a serial killer menacing her students: “If you want a fight, dammit, you’re going to get one!” (The Stay Awake, 1988)

I didn’t know lemurs had such killer abs

10.) Erasmus (Vincent Price): “Answer me, monster, tell me truly! Shall I ever hold again the radiant maiden whom the angels call Lenore?” Dr. Bedlo (Peter Lorre) (a magician who’s been turned into a raven): “How the hell should I know?” (The Raven, 1963)

9.) David (Kiefer Sutherland), trying to turn Michael (Jason Patric) into a full-fledged vampire: “Join us, Michael. My blood is in your veins.” Michael: “So is mine!” (The Lost Boys, 1987)

Wonder why people say this movie has a gay subtext…Nah just kidding, there’s a thousand other reasons.

8.) Hayley (Elliot Page, in his former life as a teenage girl) to Jeff (Patrick Wilson), who picked her up on the internet knowing she was underage: ” ‘She was so sexy. She was asking for it. Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.’ It’s just so easy to blame a kid, isn’t it? Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she’s ready to do what a woman does.” (Hard Candy, 2005)

7.) [Wednesday (Christina Ricci) is walking down the hall with a knife] Morticia (Anjelica Huston): “Is that for your brother?” [Nods] “I don’t think so.” [Hands her a giant cleaver] (The Addams Family, 1991)

6.) Wednesday (Christina Ricci), speaking to a potential babysitter through a hand puppet: “Hello, Polly. I’ll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.” [Rubs the puppet’s hands together menacingly] (Addams Family Values, 1993)

5.) Father Mayii (Leslie Nielsen), to possessed Nancy (Linda Blair), after he projectile vomits on her à la The Exorcist: “So…how do you like it?” (Repossessed, 1990)

It is surprisingly difficult to find a clip or even an image from that scene

4.) Dracula (Leslie Nielsen), about the bats in his castle: “Children of the night. What a mess they make.” (This is a play on Bela Lugosi’s line in Dracula: “Children of the night. What music they make.”) (Dracula: Dead and Loving It, 1995)

3.) Other Father (John Hodgman), explaining to Coraline why the Other version of her friend Wybie had his mouth sewn shut: “He pulled a looooong face…and Mother didn’t like it.” (Coraline, 2009)

2.) Narrator, English language dub (Dudley Moore): “To keep up his spirits, he began singing a dog marching song. [Starts to sing, then falls into a hole] He then decided to skip the whole thing.” (Koneko monogatari AKA The Adventures of Milo and Otis, 1986)

1.) Frederick (Vincent Price), to his wife: “Don’t sit up all night, thinking about ways to get rid of me. It makes wrinkles.” (House on Haunted Hill, 1959)

Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

Ryan George: “Ghosts are Bad at Revenge”

If you’ve never seen a Ryan George YouTube video, you’re in for a treat. He’s a master of parody, especially that of dumb movie tropes. He really gets horror films and how silly they can be. In “Ghosts are Bad at Revenge”, we have a freshly dead guy in the Unfinished Business Bureau, being told that if he wants to get back at the fellow who murdered him, his options are limited.

Bryan Bertino’s ‘The Dark and the Wicked’: A Little Conventional, but a Good Solid Watch

Louise (Marin Ireland) and Michael (Michael Abbott Jr.) are siblings returning to the family farm to deal with the impending death of their father David (Michael Zagst). Their mother Virginia (Julie Oliver-Touchstone) is angered to see them, and tries to tell them to leave. A fraught situation only escalates with the manifestation of a sinister presence.

“Damn these landline phones!”

Bryan Bertino is a master of suspense, with the tension building right from the beginning; the family is estranged, but we don’t know why. We actually get very little information about Louise and Michael’s lives outside the immediate present, which adds to a sense of being trapped. Almost all of the action takes place on the farm, and the cast is very small. The house is dark, even in the daytime, and claustrophobic. The scenes that take place outside are hauntingly beautiful, but also dim and wintry.

The tone of the film is dark all around. There’s a completely hopeless stance on the subject of faith and the power of love. After Michael states that his father, a good man, doesn’t deserve his fate, David’s nurse (Lynn Andrews) muses that demons can “come for whoever they want.” Evil strikes wantonly, and it doesn’t matter if its victims (stealing a phrase from It here) believe, half believe, or don’t believe at all. In a heartbreaking scene, Michael says to Virginia, “It’s gonna be okay, Mama.” She replies bleakly, “What’s gonna be okay?” The ending is truly shocking and memorable.

The face of organized religion in the movie

Bertino established his skill with sound as early as The Strangers, and Wicked is no exception. Here he uses an ominous score rather than ironic folk songs, but still utilizes unsettling noises, including wolves howling, furniture creaking, chopping, wind blowing, thunder, shrieking, and “squelching” (gotta love closed captioning). Not to mention off-key hymn singing–when middle-aged ladies be sewing and warbling about Jesus, shit’s about to go down.

The performances are amazing, particularly from Ireland and genre regular Xander Berkeley as the priest. I love how Louise and Michael, tough Texans, are grizzled and matter-of-fact. They stick together and take care of the livestock even as they’re horrified by supernatural events. There’s no comic relief whatsoever in the movie, but there is a heartwarming segment when Michael attends to a newly born baby goat, hugging it and telling its mother she’s a good mama.

My gripes are few. Virginia keeping a diary describing her experiences in order to provide the audience with a view into her mindset is a bit uncreative and pretty unrealistic (who has time to keep a journal while singlehandedly running a farm and battling malevolent forces?), though I have to admit the entries are damn unnerving: “…so many mouths…” “Spiders on my face like tears.” There are also plenty of immediately recognizable done-to-death horror movie tropes present, like the old calling out “Hello? Is someone out there?” (not once but twice), chairs moving and lights turning on by themselves, and something horrible happening while showering and chopping vegetables (not at the same time). Plus I kept seeing shots that reminded me of other movies, like The Exorcist, The Sentinel, and The Strangers, respectively, though perhaps they are intentional nods:

At any rate, I was overall very impressed, and I loved it. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that really is dark and wicked.

Top 25 Movie Quotes: Part III

Ever seen the American Film Institute’s list of movie quotes? Let me sum up: of the hundred, about 25 are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. Most of the rest are from the other golden oldies that are revered by the writers of film studies textbooks; they may be well-made, but they’re also very much a reminder of how discriminatory Hollywood was in terms of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Though I give big ups for including Jaws, Psycho, and The Sixth Sense, the AFI’s selections just don’t speak to me, and if you’re on this site, perhaps they don’t speak to you, either. Though many of the movies I quote from aren’t horror, they are all delightful (the quotes, not necessarily the movies). After trying and failing to narrow down my own list to a slim ten squared, here is part three of several upcoming parts. In no particular order (except the chronological order in which I wrote about these films in my movie journal):

25.) Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling), explaining why everyone laughs at Patty O’Brien (Paul Dillon) for saying everyone is after the lucky charms he leaves on his murder victims: “It’s a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, ‘Hey leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your Lucky Charms! Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow, just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, ‘Oooh this is candy, I’m having fun!'” (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

24.) Siu-ho (Siu-ho Chin): “Many people say the film world is ridiculous. But life is even more ridiculous.” (Geung see, AKA Rigor Mortis)

Yeah, his life seems pretty intense

23.) Mike (Jordan Fry) to Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp), who has been complaining about his loathing for chewing gum: “If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?”

22.) [Filming a sequel to Good Will Hunting] Clark (Scott William Winters reprises his role): “You’re just no longer any good…Will Hunting. How do you like them apples?” Ben Affleck, as Chucky: “I don’t like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?” (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 2001)

21.) Farmer Vincent (Rory Calhoun), pondering his business of kidnapping people and turning them into sausage: “Sometimes I wonder about the karmic implications of these actions.” (Motel Hell, 1980)

Look at the far right in the first row, it’s John Ratzenberger!

20.) Professor Dorr (Tom Hanks): Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability!” (The Ladykillers , 2004)

19.) Elvira (Cassandra Peterson), poking through a decrepit castle: “Where’s the secret door? They always have one of those.” (Elvira’s Haunted Hills, 2001)

18.) Principal Duvall (Tim Meadows), punishing misbehaving high school students: “I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.” Joan the Secretary (Sharron Matthews): “We can’t keep them past four.” Principal Duvall: “I will keep you here until four.” (Mean Girls, 2004)

17.) Caprice (Selma Blair) explaining to her disappointed fans why she wants to get a breast reduction: “My back hurts. I’m getting sores. I wanna do housework without pain. I’d like to sleep on my stomach once in a while.” (A Dirty Shame, 2004)

16.) Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie): “I kick ass for the Lord!” (Dead Alive, 1992)

15.) Corky (Gina Gershon): “You know what the difference is between you and me, Violet?” Violet (Jennifer Tilly): “No.” Corky: “Me neither.” (Bound, 1996)

14.) Mr. Pattle (John Glover), delivering a soon-to-be-reanimated corpse to Ed (Steve Buscemi), who complains that she’s in his trunk: “Jeez, Ed, she’s dead. You think I wanna get her all over my seats?” (Ed and his Dead Mother, 1993)

13.) Cardinal Glick (George Carlin), discussing the church’s revamped version of Jesus: “Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies!” (Dogma, 1999)

12.) Helen (Goldie Hawn) [failing to notice she has a sizable hole in her midsection]: “Just look at me! I’m soaking wet!” (Death Becomes Her, 1992)

11.) Henry (Danny Glover): “I don’t think you’re an asshole, Royal. I just think you’re kind of a son of a bitch.” (The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001)

10.) Beatrix (Uma Thurman): “It’s mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 1, 2003)

9.) Bill (David Carradine), comparing Beatrix (Uma Thurman) to Superman to illustrate that she can’t change her powerful nature: “Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears–the glasses, the business suit–that’s the costume.” (Kill Bill: Vol. 2, 2004)

8.) Serial killer Dennis Rader (Kane Hodder) to a rude little girl: “Being nice is a lot easier than being mean.” (B.T.K., 2008)

7.) Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman), trying to turn grown-up Peter Pan’s children against him: “Your mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy you to sleep, so that she and Daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now!” (Hook, 1991)

6.) Anthony (Ludacris, ironically playing a guy who hates rap): “You think white people go around calling each other honkies all day, man? ‘Hey honkie, how’s business?’ ‘Going great, cracker, we’re diversifying.’ ” (Crash, 2004)

5.) Susan (Shelley Duvall), to her husband: “I guess we can’t punish Victor for bringing Sparky back from the dead.” (Frankenweenie, 1984)

4.) Donald Pleasence, hosting a documentary about horror movies: “A moonlight swim in the nude is definitely a bad idea.” (Terror in the Aisles, 1984)

3.) Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): “Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.” (Red Dragon, 2002)

2.) Marcilla (Ingrid Pitt), reading to Emma (Madeline Smith), whom she’s trying to seduce: “Pulling her gently towards him, he showered her sweet upturned face with manly kisses. [Stops reading] This is a silly book.” (The Vampire Lovers, 1970)

1.) John Hurt, reprising his role from Alien and reenacting the chestburster scene: “Oh, no. Not again.” (Spaceballs, 1987)

*Author’s note: I have extensively relied on IMDb for help, both with dates and with some of the quotes. Any mis-quoting is my error.

‘Spiral: From the Book of Saw’ is Sorely Disappointing

Zeke Banks (Chris Rock) is a detective who plays by his own rules, which often gets him in trouble, especially after he busts a colleague for shooting a witness. Suddenly a spate of brutal murders leads him to suspect that there’s a Jigsaw copycat out there–and the killer is targeting his fellow officers.

I was really excited to see this movie. I love the Saw franchise, and I was thrilled to see that Darren Lynn Bousman, who did Saw II, III, and IV, returned to direct. I’ve been a fan of Chris Rock since he was on Saturday Night Live in the ’90s. That is about all the positive things I have to say, unfortunately. I was eager to give Rock a chance as a horror movie writer/producer (he came up with the story behind the film and had extensive input during the filmmaking). I had faith in his ability as a dramatic actor. While his angry outbursts and steely resolve (see above–dayum) are impressive, his reactions when he should be shocked or grieving are not so great; his range includes bemused, constipated, and trying to read the eye test at the DMV.

The movie plays out like a comedy, in many ways. Zeke’s dialogue has an awful lot of elements of Rock’s stand-up. He spends more time making observations than solving crimes, like this non-sequitur about Forrest Gump, which is our introduction to his character: “This motherfucker did some shit. He jogged across the whole country. He beat China in ping pong. You know how fucking hard that shit is? He was a war hero. Who the fuck is nicer than Forrest Gump?” (This actually goes on for a couple more minutes.) Then there’s Samuel L. Jackson as Zeke’s father Marcus, who pops up to scream “motherfucker” and then disappear for a while. And among the multiple law enforcement movie cliches utilized, there’s the cop-who-doesn’t-want-a-partner buddy film pairing of Zeke and newbie Schenk (Max Minghella). (But don’t worry, they drop it pretty much immediately.) And the flashback scenes that show Zeke and Marcus sporting ridiculous facial hair to establish it’s the past can’t help but invoke in my mind National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1:

In addition, the police are all as inept as they are corrupt. They repeatedly handle evidence without gloves and go off to remote places alone even after they know they’re being targeted by a serial killer.

“I dare you to poke the corpse!”

Rock has always been outspoken about racism, and you can in part read the film as a critique of police brutality and the demoralization that power can bring. One Black character’s trap involves being suspended by wires and Swatted. He is physically unable to lower his arm or drop a gun he’s forced to hold, and is shot in quick succession by the SWAT team, despite the fact that he’s suspended in the air. There’s also a scene when a cop point-blank shoots a guy for flipping him off. As the killer muses bitterly: “That’s what cops do: shoot first, ask questions later.” However, there’s also a part when Zeke, who’s flawed but unquestionably the hero of the movie, casually tortures a guy he needs information from. This fellow has a bone poking out of his leg, and Zeke pours alcohol on it and whacks him with the bottle. The man is not a sympathetic character, he’s a drug dealer who received the injury after shooting at them, but the scene is played for laughs, with Zeke joyfully yelling “That leg is fucked up! Yo, yo, yo, yo, let me get a shot for the Gram [continues taunting while taking a selfie] Can I tag you, motherfucker?” And then there’s the use of the n-word. Not by racist characters to make a point, but by Zeke and Marcus for no discernible reason. Zeke calls out a guy for hurriedly leaving the bathroom: “N*****, wash your hands!”

“I have had it with these motherfucking serial killers in this motherfucking warehouse! Motherfucker!”

The subtitle Book of Saw should indicate that the film isn’t directly connected to the other Saw movies. The killer is a copycat who didn’t personally know Jigsaw or his disciples. They wear a pig mask (but not a cool one) and use a wholly unappealing reedy voice (unlike Jigsaw’s noble baritone). Basically it’s a series of gory deaths based on lazy puns like pulling off a dude’s fingers for figuratively pointing fingers at people.

Bleh even the marionette is a pun!

Am I sorry I saw it? No. I very rarely say a movie has no redeeming value whatsoever. As much as I griped, it’s definitely more watchable than Jigsaw. Give it a look if you’re in the mood for something that’s terrifically bloody but also tries desperately to be funny.