Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’: The Master Outdoes Himself! (review)

Spain, 1944, during the Spanish Revolution. Young girl Ofelia’s (Ivana Baquero) pregnant mother Carmen (Ariadna Gil) has just married the leader of the effort to suppress the resistance, Captain Vidal (Sergi Lopez). Ofelia, obsessed with fantasy stories, finds herself in a real-life fairy tale when a faun (Doug Jones), recognizing her as the reincarnation ofContinue reading “Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’: The Master Outdoes Himself! (review)”

2006’s ‘The Wicker Man’: A Towering Garbage Fire or Just the Remake We Needed? (review)

Police officer Edward (Nicolas Cage) has been contacted by his ex-girlfriend Willow (Kate Beahan), who tells him that (a) they have a daughter named Rowan and (b) she’s missing. He heads down to Summersisle, a small island in Puget Sound, to find her. He runs afoul of a strange matriarchy of wannabe pagans who areContinue reading “2006’s ‘The Wicker Man’: A Towering Garbage Fire or Just the Remake We Needed? (review)”

‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever (review)

2006 prequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, opening in 1939 with the birth of little Tommy (AKA Leatherface), appropriately enough in a meat-packing plant. He’s promptly thrown in a dumpster and found by Luda Mae Hewitt (Marietta Marich); he’s then raised by Luda Mae and her husband Charlie (R. Lee Ermey). Thirty years later, brothersContinue reading “‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever (review)”

‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die! (review)

It’s the 1980s, and a group of naughty teenagers are going to have a séance in ol’ Murder McGee’s house. There’s Final Girl Julie (Ashley Schneider), her boyfriend Kane the Token Black Guy (Jovan Meredith), gay couple Jamie (Christina DeRosa) and Sissy (Jamie Carson), Tough Guy Alfie (Devin Marble), Popular Girl Tiffany (Lindsay Gareth), NerdyContinue reading “‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die! (review)”

‘Population 436’: ‘The Stepford Wives’ Meets ‘The Wicker Man’ (But Not as Cool) (review)

Steve (Jeremy Sisto) from the Census Bureau has just arrived in the quaint town of Rockwell Falls. His mission is to figure out why every year the population equals exactly 436 people. The locals welcome him with open arms, particularly Deputy Bobby (Fred Durst) and his girlfriend Courtney (Charlotte Sullivan). Steve finds out too lateContinue reading “‘Population 436’: ‘The Stepford Wives’ Meets ‘The Wicker Man’ (But Not as Cool) (review)”

Adam Green’s ‘Hatchet’: A Gory Modern Take on Old School Horror (movie review)

Ben (Joel David Moore) and his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond) head up to the bayou for Mardi Gras. Ben talks Marcus into taking a haunted swamp tour. They and their companions: tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen), married couple Jim and Shannon (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo), porno director Doug (Joel Murray) and his subjects JennaContinue reading “Adam Green’s ‘Hatchet’: A Gory Modern Take on Old School Horror (movie review)”

‘The Darkroom’ (2006) is Fine the First Time, but Less So on Subsequent Viewings (review)

Not to be confused with the 2013 film Darkroom. John Doe (Reed Diamond, The Terror, The Purge T.V. shows) is a guy with amnesia who has spent the last 15 years in a mental hospital after he was found on the side of the road with blood on his hands. Enter Dr. Allen, a drug companyContinue reading “‘The Darkroom’ (2006) is Fine the First Time, but Less So on Subsequent Viewings (review)”

‘Nightmare Man’ is a Hot Mess (review)

Ellen has just bought a fertility mask, hoping it will put some spice in her marriage to Bill. Unfortunately, it just brings her bad dreams—so bad that she has to take medication and eventually needs to go to a mental hospital. On the way there, Ellen and Bill’s car runs out of gas in theContinue reading “‘Nightmare Man’ is a Hot Mess (review)”