‘Haunt’ (2019): Don’t Stick Your Arm in Mystery Holes!

Not to be confused with the 2014 film of the same name, which I already reviewed here. It’s Halloween, and our six main characters are looking for a haunted house. We have final girl Harper (Katie Stevens), her love interest Nathan (Will Brittain), her roommate Bailey (Lauren Alisa McClain), and her friends, token woman ofContinue reading “‘Haunt’ (2019): Don’t Stick Your Arm in Mystery Holes!”

‘Black Christmas’ (2019): They Meant Well…

Christmas break is approaching, and the students at Hawthorne College are getting ready to party. And by party I mean the men are picking off the women because they’re possessed by the evil magic practiced by the founder of the college, Calvin Hawthorne. It’s up to a feisty band of fighters (with traditionally masculine names,Continue reading “‘Black Christmas’ (2019): They Meant Well…”

'You Might Be the Killer' is Definitely a Great Time

Sam (Fran Kranz, who’s getting typecast as the guy in a cabin in the woods) is a camp counselor with a staff of twelve. When a masked murderer menaces his campgrounds, he calls his buddy, horror expert Chuck (Alyson Hannigan), for advice on how to survive. Unfortunately, all signs point to Sam being the killer. Continue reading “'You Might Be the Killer' is Definitely a Great Time”

‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever (review)

2006 prequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, opening in 1939 with the birth of little Tommy (AKA Leatherface), appropriately enough in a meat-packing plant. He’s promptly thrown in a dumpster and found by Luda Mae Hewitt (Marietta Marich); he’s then raised by Luda Mae and her husband Charlie (R. Lee Ermey). Thirty years later, brothersContinue reading “‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning’ is Not the Worst Prequel Ever (review)”

‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die! (review)

It’s the 1980s, and a group of naughty teenagers are going to have a séance in ol’ Murder McGee’s house. There’s Final Girl Julie (Ashley Schneider), her boyfriend Kane the Token Black Guy (Jovan Meredith), gay couple Jamie (Christina DeRosa) and Sissy (Jamie Carson), Tough Guy Alfie (Devin Marble), Popular Girl Tiffany (Lindsay Gareth), NerdyContinue reading “‘Stupid Teenagers Must Die!’: Unfunny “Spoofs” of Slasher Movies Must Die! (review)”

‘Hellbent’: A Gay Slasher You Can Get Behind (review)

Lonely wannabe cop Eddie and his buddies: bisexual bed-hopper Chas, awkward Joey, and studly Tony head out to the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival to get some bootie. Eddie is especially interested in Jake, a hottie he met earlier. They catch the attention of a masked killer, and not all of them live to see NovemberContinue reading “‘Hellbent’: A Gay Slasher You Can Get Behind (review)”

‘Hatchet II’: Let it Grow on You (review)

The film picks up moments after the first one ends. Mary Beth, faced with Victor Crowley, escapes by poking him in the eye Three Stooges style and runs away. She teams up with Reverend Zombie, her uncle Bob, Shawn’s twin brother Justin, and a group of hunters and fishermen to return to Honey Island SwampContinue reading “‘Hatchet II’: Let it Grow on You (review)”

Adam Green’s ‘Hatchet’: A Gory Modern Take on Old School Horror (movie review)

Ben (Joel David Moore) and his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond) head up to the bayou for Mardi Gras. Ben talks Marcus into taking a haunted swamp tour. They and their companions: tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen), married couple Jim and Shannon (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo), porno director Doug (Joel Murray) and his subjects JennaContinue reading “Adam Green’s ‘Hatchet’: A Gory Modern Take on Old School Horror (movie review)”

‘Feardotcom’: A Lovely Series of Plot Holes (review)

Feardotcom(.com) is a website run by serial killer Alistair (Stephen Rea), who believes that “Reducing relationships to anonymous electronic impulses is a perversion.” His solution: kidnap young women and film himself torturing them until they beg to die, thus creating “intimacy with death.” Protagonist Mike (Stephen Dorff) is the detective who’s been hunting him forContinue reading “‘Feardotcom’: A Lovely Series of Plot Holes (review)”

Tobe Hooper’s ‘Eaten Alive’ is Not Just Any Old Slasher (review)

Judd (Neville Brand) is a cranky loner operating a rundown bayou hotel. He also kills people and feeds them to his pet crocodile. He has his hands full when a dysfunctional family of three as well as the sister and father of one of his victims rent rooms. Then there’s Buck (Robert Englund), a stubbornContinue reading “Tobe Hooper’s ‘Eaten Alive’ is Not Just Any Old Slasher (review)”