‘Bliss’: I Really Wanted to Like It

First, a disclaimer. As stated by the opening title card, “Warning: This film contains flashing images that may cause discomfort or trigger seizures for people with photosensitive epilepsy. Viewer discretion is advised.” Dezzy (Dora Madison) is a struggling artist. Her pieces aren’t selling, and she’s having a hard time producing anything new. Luckily, she comesContinue reading “‘Bliss’: I Really Wanted to Like It”

‘The Shed’: A Decidedly Un-Sparkly Teen Vampire Dramedy

Stan (Jay Jay Warren) is living with his grandfather Ellis (Timothy Bottoms) on the edge of the woods. When neighbor Bane (Frank Whaley) is bitten by a vampire while hunting, he decides to snooze the day away in Ellis’s shed. This brings nothing but problems for Stan, as Bane tends to munch on anything thatContinue reading “‘The Shed’: A Decidedly Un-Sparkly Teen Vampire Dramedy”

‘Once Bitten’: Racist, Homophobic, AND Corny AF (review)

Mark (Jim Carrey) is a typical teenage boy who is currently dissatisfied by his long-time girlfriend Robin’s (Karen Kopin) refusal to have sex. While trolling for some strange with his buddies, he meets the mysterious Countess (Lauren Hutton). Unfortunately, Countess is a vampire who needs his virgin blood three times before Halloween or she losesContinue reading “‘Once Bitten’: Racist, Homophobic, AND Corny AF (review)”

‘Rise: Blood Hunter’ is…well, Lucy Liu is Awesome (review)

Sadie (Lucy Liu) is a reporter who decides it would be a swell idea to explore the sketchy neighborhood where a series of killings occurred, all by herself. (Though in her defense, no one knows they were committed by vampires.) Here’s my paraphrase of the scene when Sadie is on the phone with her colleague,Continue reading “‘Rise: Blood Hunter’ is…well, Lucy Liu is Awesome (review)”

‘The Vampire Lovers’: Homophobic, but Undeniably Hot (review)

Hammer/American International film. Marcilla (Ingrid Pitt) is a deadly vampire intent on wooing and feasting on virgin daughters, namely Laura (Pippa Steel) and Emma (Madeline Smith). She has a bit too much to eat and her victims’ daddies General von Spielsdorf (Peter Cushing) and Morton (George Cole), along with vampire hunter Baron Hartog (Douglas Wilmer),Continue reading “‘The Vampire Lovers’: Homophobic, but Undeniably Hot (review)”

1987’s ‘The Monster Squad’ Withstands the Test of Time (review)

In the late 1800s, Van Helsing and pals try to kill all of Universal Studio’s lineup: Dracula (Duncan Regehr), Frankenstein’s monster (Tom Noonan), the Mummy (Michael Reid MacKay), the Wolfman (Carl Thibault), and Gillman (the Creature from the Black Lagoon) (Tom Woodruff Jr.). “They blew it.” So 100 years later, the task is left toContinue reading “1987’s ‘The Monster Squad’ Withstands the Test of Time (review)”

Takashi Shimizu’s ‘Marebito’: Vampires, Kinda, and also Social Commentary (review)

Japanese movie, whose title Google Translate assures me means “rare”. Masuoka (Shin’ya Tsukamoto) is a cameraman who feels disconnected from daily life. After filming a stranger committing suicide by stabbing himself in the eye, Masuoka longs to see what the man saw, thinking that his terror opened him up to seeing “things both strange andContinue reading “Takashi Shimizu’s ‘Marebito’: Vampires, Kinda, and also Social Commentary (review)”

1985’s ‘Fright Night’: Sassy, Fabulous Vampires (review)

Not to be confused with the 2011 remake. Charley (William Ragsdale) is a normal teenage boy who likes to do teenage boy stuff, like try to score with his girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse) while watching Fright Night, a TV show devoted to classic horror movies. His good times are disrupted by new neighbors Jerry (ChrisContinue reading “1985’s ‘Fright Night’: Sassy, Fabulous Vampires (review)”

‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’ is Eternally Amusing (review)

Parody of Dracula movies by way of Mel Brooks. It has the same basic plot as Dracula (mixing aspects of Tod Browning’s 1931 version and Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 version): Count Dracula (Leslie Nielsen) makes a living (undeading?) drinking blood and corrupting repressed virgins until he crosses the wrong people, namely Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman),Continue reading “‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’ is Eternally Amusing (review)”

‘Blade II’ is Chock Full of Action and Gore (review)

Blade (Wesley Snipes), the half-vampire/half-human vampire hunter, returns. This time, he’s accepting a truce from the Vampire Nation. It seems there’s an anomaly causing the bloodsuckers to mutate into drooling Venus-flytrap-faced lunatics that are deadly to the un-mutated. Along with his human associates Scud (Norman Reedus) and Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), who magically returns from theContinue reading “‘Blade II’ is Chock Full of Action and Gore (review)”